I recently realized there are certain people in this world who need a good slap, and that since no one else is stepping up to the plate, I guess I will have to be the one to give it to them.

I am not normally the kind of guy who resorts to this kind of violence. I try to give all God’s people on this good green Earth the benefit of the doubt - even people like those drivers who have never, not once, in the entire history of their lives, used a turn signal.

Yes, when these people stomp on the brakes in front of me and take a wide, slow, unannounced turn, as a sensitive fellow human being, I take a deep breath and remind myself that there must be a reasonable explanation for this. "Look, Marie," I say to my five-year old, who is in the backseat. "That man is a slime sucking shithead. But we are not going to judge him."

I do not, however, make a habit of going around slapping these people. But there are some whose offenses, more irritating than illegal, have gone unpunished far too long. I think you will agree. My hope is that a good hard slap is exactly what they need, that it will cause them to snap out of it and cease the behavior once and for all. It is less a form of physical abuse than a charitable contribution to society. Your gratitude is welcomed, but most unnecessary.

On to the slapees...

The Welch’s Grape Juice Kid

This is a little black-haired girl I’m sure most of you have seen, who is just ten pounds of precociousness in a five-pound airtight container, which incidentally is exactly where she belongs. She’s always going on about how much her mouth likes Welch’s Grape Juice and how ready her tummy is for it, and she squeezes every consonant past her tongue as if she has just drunk a gallon of high-fructose corn syrup. There is a demon inside this little girl, and I believe a good slap could exorcise it. My sister wishes to note that she would also like to slap the little girl’s parents as well as her acting coach.

Mike Piazza, Terry Bradshaw and Alf*

Two men and an alien puppet with failing careers fighting over a dollar are supposed to lend credibility to a long-distance company? Who thought this was a good idea?

* I will slap Alf myself; the other two will be slapped by someone who can run much faster than me.

Carrot Top

It is inexplicable to me that this guy is working above the level of the class clown in a janitorial college. What is it with these phone companies? Are their casting agents a group of highly trained Chilean llamas? Dial down the center of the Stargate device and go back to your own planet, you redheaded freak of nature.

Any Male Adult Who Wears Sweatpants in Public More Than Five Miles From His House

As my friend Eric says, these men have given up altogether on being productive members of society. It’s one thing to throw on sweats getting bagels on a Sunday in your neighborhood, but when it becomes a way of life, you might as well add a label to the seat like the teenaged girls do, only instead of saying "Princess," it will read out, in gigantic sequined silver letters, "L-O-S-E-R."

People Who Use "Oh My God," "So," "Like," "Totally," and "Do You Know What I Mean," All in the Same Sentence*

Congratulations. You have constructed a sentence entirely devoid of meaning. Before you dematerialize into a state of grammatical enlightenment, I hope you will allow me to, like, oh my God, so totally bitch slap you into yesterday. Do you know what I mean?

* Also "I know, right?"

People Who Call Other People "Chief"

Unless you’re Jimmy Olsen, don’t do it. You sound like a prick.

The "Can You Hear Me Now?" Guy

Listen up. We hear you. Every hour. Of every day. On every station. When we close our eyes at night. When someone loses a signal on their cell phone and repeats your annoying little catch phrase. We get it, all right? You’re everywhere. Now how about we strap you down to a mattress spring and slap you once for every time we’ve seen your commercial, each time repeating the words, "Can you feel me now? Good. Can you feel me now? Good..."

15-Year Old Girls Who Look Like 26-Year Old Hookers

These people need to be slapped twice; first for allowing themselves to be pressured into believing it is necessary to dress like a fully grown, oversexed woman in order to get attention, and second for making me feel like a pervert whenever I look up from their cleavage and suddenly realize their age.

I will update my readers on my progress as I locate and slap each of these people, keeping a log of which ones responded to the therapy and which ones may need to be slowly, torturously run down by a steam roller. I am also continually updating the list, so if you have additions, I certainly welcome your feedback. Unless of course it has anything to do with slapping a mean-spirited humor columnist who just insulted three members of your immediate family.

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