Are you lonely? Do you yearn for love and romance? Have you grown tired of traditional relationships? Then don't waste another minute. Write to a prisoner today!

Millions of prisoners are eager to hear from you. And unlike your friends and family, they're guaranteed to reply. What else do they have to do, polish the china?

Whether you're interested in murderers, bank robbers or drug dealers, your mailbox could soon be overflowing with love letters, many of them oozing the type of charm you can find only in prison. If you're lucky, some of the letters will be marriage proposals. But whatever you do, don't say 'yes' until you're absolutely certain you can do no worse.

If you wish, you can join the dozens of women professing their love to Scott Peterson. The California man is accused of killing his pregnant wife, and after weighing some of the evidence on television, many women reached the same conclusion: Peterson is definitely handsome. And as fate would have it, he's unattached, too. What a catch!

Peterson is so popular, he receives more fan mail than the entire Professional Bowlers Association. The postal service is counting on him to stay in business. And the government of Liberia may soon put him on a stamp.

But before you write to Peterson, here's a warning: He might be innocent. And even if he isn't, he could still be acquitted, especially if the jurors say to themselves, "He can't be guilty. He's too handsome." If he's released, you might find yourself in a typical, ho-hum relationship, with nothing to worry about except where to burn the stacks of fan mail.

You might be better off writing to a hardcore convict, one with no chance of showing up at your door. You can visit him in prison and blow a passionate kiss through the glass. You can listen to a detailed account of his crimes or a proclamation of innocence. Either way, you'll be entertained.

Of course, you shouldn't assume you'll win the heart of every prisoner you write to. Some have high standards. As one male prisoner said, "People think we ain't got standards because we're in prison. But that's baloney. Just ask my current honey. I refused to date her until she agreed to shave her beard. She looks a lot better now, you know -- even with the mustache."

If you're still hesitant to write to a prisoner, here are two testimonials that will convince you:

• Jenny, 41: "My three marriages failed miserably and I was devastated. But then I heard about the prison correspondence community and realized that I could have it all -- an intimate relationship with a man without having to clean up after him. I mean, why just have a mate when you can have an inmate? Mine is just wonderful. For Valentine's Day, he sent me a new license plate. How romantic!"
• Anita, 27: "I was tired of men cheating on me or hitting me. These days, I feel extremely secure, knowing that the love of my life is behind bars. I sell watches for a living, so we have a lot in common. We're both serving time."

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