Businesses can be cold nowadays. That's nothing new, and I won't try to elaborate on it, defend it, or turn it into a cryptogram. Instead, I want to discuss the coldest business I've yet to come across: Ice Unlimited. Before I get into this, let me preface by noting I just spotted this business a little while ago. I know nothing about it except for its name, but somehow that's enough for me. Think about it -- is it really necessary to build a business based on the premise of unlimited ice? Why not start a store that sells air, or better yet -- why not sell bottled water? Haha, think of that -- bottled war! Could you imagine?

First off, what would a person do with unlimited ice? Igloos are at least 1,000 years past their prime, and Snoopy hasn't seen a Snow Cone since you ran out of the cherry flavoring. This Ice Unlimited business is going to flop if someone doesn't try something to help it. So here's a top-five list of why people should go to Ice Unlimited, or to any other store that happens to sell an unlimited supply of ice:

5. Put some water in a plastic bag and demand to Ice Unlimited that you need your money back. Tell them, quite frankly, "I purchased a bag of ice, and this is now a bag of water. If that isn't worthy of a return, then what is?" This is hard logic to argue, at least until they see that your bag is from WalMart. When they try to tell you that you simply filled a WalMart bag, and that the bag is obviously not from Ice Unlimited, just reply, "Since when are you the judge of what bags you use?" 'Nuff said...

4. Buy many bags of ice on a hot summer day and proceed to build an iceman on your lawn. Be sure to put a hat on its head, and use sticks or Twizzlers as arms. Then charge all of your neighbors three dollars each for walking by the iceman, regardless of whether they looked at it or not. If they threaten to get you kicked out of the neighborhood, simply note, "Hey, if you boot me, you're also booting the iceman." That will hold power for at least as long as the iceman remains solid...

3. Use the bags of ice as your excuse to come late to a family gathering. In fact, you can walk in when everyone else is leaving. If people question you, tell them that everyone else always forgets the ice so you figured you'd wait until everyone else came. And now, in fact, you're a hero. That's right -- a hero. So not only should they not frown at your lateness, but they should be lifting you above their heads as you fill everyone's glasses with the frozen water. Be as dramatic as possible as this happens, because otherwise you're just some random person with a one-dollar contribution...

2. Walk into the nearest sauna with your bags of ice. If there are no other people in the sauna, then you should leave immediately instead of wasting your ice. However, if there are other people in there, you should fake an intense panic as you yell, "I'm doomed! My ice is going to melt!" When people tell you to simply leave the sauna, tell them, "It's too late now! We're doomed! No one will ever get out!" Then simply open the door and walk out, noting, "If you'll excuse me, I have another sauna to visit."

1. Run for public office with the premise that you will supply unlimited ice. If you lose, tell the people that it's a shame lower taxes were a priority to them, because those will last about as long as the ice you would have provided -- and don't do nearly as much when placed in tea.

But I digress.

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