Chapter 4: Day of the Living Dumb

written by: Angela Gillaspie (appearing courtesy of SouthernAngel.com)

The sun was high in the sky when Jane woke up. The light felt like white-hot needles in her eyes piercing holes into her wine-pickled brain. Closing her eyes, she crawled to the bathroom dragging her toiletry bag behind her.

In the shadow of the valley of the toilet, she dry swallowed several aspirin, pulled down her pants and relieved herself for what seemed like an hour. She burped and then giggled until tears ran down her face.

Finishing her bathroom business and washing her hands, she hooted, "Berndrew...Anthony Edwards...(snort)...Ernest-EEN! Bwa ha ha ha! What a drunk delirium!"

She fell to the tile floor giggling and snorting until she passed out.

Four rooms down, Tim flossed his teeth while Jerry complained about the plethora of onions that room service put in his potato soup.

"Thwaaaap! Oh God, sorry man," Jerry said – although he wasn’t sorry in the least bit for ripping off such a wet and greasy fart. He hoped Mr. Anally Retentive Floss Boss gagged from the smell.

Tim frowned as he flossed his yellowed incisor for the third time, "Niiiice. Perhaps you should check your pants. You know, if you pull your buttocks apart, the sound isn’t as loud."

"Why would I want to do something like that?"

Debating the pros and cons of silent tail winds, Jerry and Tim pulled on their dark jackets and headed to the lobby to continue surveillance on Jane and Julia.

As they exited the elevator, Tim grinned to a pallid-faced Jerry, "See? It’s not the delivery, but the result."

"That’s just WRONG! You made that stink without a sound, that guy never knew what hit him! You’re the man," Jerry gushed.

In the corner of the elevator, a small weasely man with an eye patch twitched on the floor.

Julia sat up in bed and squinted at her watch, "It’s beer o’clock, Janey!"

Jane walked out of the bathroom wearing a black string bikini, "I hear ya, why don’t you get us something cold from the mini bar?"

"Did we eat all those Snickers last night? I have buzzard breath that would make a dragon blush," Julia said. Looking at the mini bar, she asked, "Did we pick up some guy named Berndrew last night?"

"Nah, we must’ve watched Weekend at Bernie’s or something," Jane said.

Julia flung open the door and the only thing in the mini bar was a puddle of urine.

"Man, we were wasted last night, one of us peed in the mini bar," Jane said as she opened a bottle of Pepto Bismol and drank half.

Julia put on her yellow polka dotted bikini and found the almost-unwrapped mystery package. She picked it up and finished unwrapping it.

"Oh my gosh, look!" she said, "It’s a rare vintage collector’s edition of Vienna Sausages!"

"Pygmy peters? That’s all?" Jane asked and then suddenly ran to the bathroom. The thought of potted meat from the late 1800’s mixed with her hangover was too much.

When Jane stopped retching, Julia explained, "Oh these aren’t plain Vienna Sausages, but one of the original three cans that were made in 1889 by the Weiner King, Baron Von Heindrick-Wein. This can is worth upwards of two million dollars!"

"Where did this package...uh...what’s that?" Jane asked as a rustling sound came from the closet

Suddenly Berndrew burst from the closet beaming at them, "Back from the dead, got any brains?" the corpse asked.

Jane fainted and Julia gawked, "So last night wasn’t a dream. Oh. I didn’t sleep with you did I?"

"Hell if I know," Berndrew replied, "after I got dead, I can’t seem to remember a thing. Let’s get a bite to eat downstairs. Scrambled brains and eggs sound delicious."

"So you’re...uh...not going to hurt us or eat our brains or anything are you?" Julia stammered.

"Oh no, I have this unfinished weiner business to handle with you, and after that," he shrugged, "I dunno."

Julia regained consciousness and Jane explained the situation to her. "Oh this is SO COOL! I’ve never seen a real live dead person up close! Wait, what do we do with the Vienna Sausages while we eat?"

Jane hid the Vienna Sausages in with her feminine hygiene products, "Nobody’ll look there!"

Getting into the elevator, Julia took a deep breath, "Ugh, I think you’re already starting to smell, Berndrew!"

"That’s not me – that stench is far worse than my bodily fluids could make. Besides, I shouldn’t start stinking until the day after tomorrow, at least," he said.

Continue on to the next chapter...