Chapter 8a: The Had Matter Tea Party

written by: Daniel Ravner (appearing as a guest of Just Laugh magazine)

Back in the car, Julia was looking for the ladies room. Nonetheless being already in the car and having no nearby accessible restrooms, she decided to hold it in and not say a word, as not to burden an already tense atmosphere.

"I really need to pee," she screamed out loud, "and I could use a drink!"

"Why didn’t you go at the Victoria’s Secret factory store?" said Jane while rubbing her forehead in disbelief. "I didn’t know you could," Julia cried.

Suddenly a muffled voice came from behind the back seat, "Just stop at a gas station." Willy Nelson brought the car to a screeching halt, adjusted his hair and stepped out. Tightening his grip on his switchblade, he carefully approached the car’s trunk.

"Who’s there?" he asked.

From the trunk came a muffled voice, "It’s the Wizard of Oz - I’m selling brains, trunk to trunk, care for one?"

A frightened Julia and Jane stood together, bending their bodies, as to come closer without moving. "What do you want, sir?"

"Gee, I don’t know, AIR?" answered the muffled voice.

Willy Nelson ordered the girls to back up and let him handle things. Cautiously, he placed the key in the trunk’s keyhole and the hood popped open, knocking him unconscious. Jane turned around to reassure Julia, only to find out she was already fifty feet away, crouching behind a bush.

"It was either that or peeing my pants, you understand, right?"

Out of the trunk emerged a small man in a blue suit that was three sizes too big for him. He had a blue hat and a big foam hand, the kind you buy at sports events.

"Don’t be afraid, " he said in a voice that, surprisingly enough was still muffled.

Willy Nelson was coming to his senses. "I think the blow released me of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder," he said, "you know, OCD." It was then that the little man in the big blue suit took off his foam finger and revealed a gun. "All of you - into the car, we’ve already been delayed enough on our way to the Palms Fronds!"

The rest of the road was long and winding. Not much was said after "one bottle of beer on the wall, one bottle of beer..." However, It was exactly 90 minutes later that an hour and a half had passed and they arrived at the Marina parking lot.

The Palm Fronds was situated behind an unmarked door carrying nothing but a sign saying, "Honk, if you think I’m sexy." Jane, Julia and Willy Nelson walked in first, followed by a gun, followed by a hand that was attached to the small man in the big suit. They moved along long corridor walls that were decorated with pictures of the famous Rabbis on fishing trips. The corridor ended with a door leading to lavish hexagon shaped piano bar. It had many doors, some too small for really tall people. In front of them was one dining table on which rested a teapot labeled ‘Watch your step.’ Not knowing what to do, they turned to the small man...however, he wasn’t there.

A man with a powder blue suit and a white Panama hat made his way into the lounge. Julia noticed he had laughter wrinkles on his suit, where you would expect an elbow patch to be. She remembered Andrew Edmonds mentioning this guy in a less than positive light (fluorescent). The girls had a feeling that this was not the man they were suppose to meet, unless of course his name is Elliot Bonnaro, in which case it was.

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr. Beetle and the man who brought you to me was my brother, Volkswagen."

"Volkswagen Beetle?" Jane thought out loud.

"Think small," answered Mr. Beetle as if he knew this question was coming.

"The reason you are here is a certain parchment I believe you know something about. It contains information that I terribly need and a receipt I would like for tax return purposes. But first things first - would you please remove this table, Willy Nelson "

"How did you know my name?" asked Julia for Willy, as he was already getting prepared to move the table and couldn’t do two things at once.

"That’s not important. What is important is that below this table lies what might be the source of the Bermuda Triangle’s bizarre reputation." On the floor where the table once stood they saw an insignia of a sundial. "Many of history’s unexplained phenomenons are linked with this exact point. This is the Bermuda Triangle’s triangle, if you will..."

"But it’s a circle!" remarked Jane.

"My point exactly!" Mr. Beetle said, not looking a little bit crazy at all.

"Last Thursday," Mr. Beetle continued, "for example, many swore they saw the ghost of Hamlet’s father here during happy hour. He chose ‘Yes Sir, I Can Boogie’ from the Karaoke machine, got up on stage and asked to be avenged, or if that was too much, to at least have his tab waved. On another occasion, Vivaldi was spotted sitting by the piano, composing a fifth concerto to his Four Seasons titled ‘Sun dried Tomatoes.’ This is also where Eve Ensler met her long lost Siamese twin to perform the one time only, and for a good reason, The Vagina Dialogues!"

"Wow," said Jane, "you really are crazy!"

"Am I? Am I? Really, You think so? Am I? Now, who has the parchment? I know I don’t have it and you guys are the only one here, so you must have it."

This display of sharp logic deduction prompted Julia to admit she has the parchment. "No you don’t stupid, I have it," said Jane. "It’s hidden on me."

"Ah, ahh," said Mr. Beetle, "lose the clothes!"

And before Jane could say ‘or else?’ Julia was already in her Lady Godiva outfit, sans le horse.

"BUT YOU DON’T HAVE IT!" screamed Jane at Julia, taking her by the hand and quickly explaining to Willy Nelson that they had to find Elliot Bonnaro, ‘cause he’ll know what to do!’

"Willy Nelson here works for me, ladies!" smirked Mr. Beetle. "Now search them, and God Damn it, do something about your erection!!!"

"NO!" said Willy Nelson, unable to move his eyes from Julia’s nakedness, "I have changed sides, Mr. Beetle. You want the parchment so you’ll know the Meaning of Llife and get your own talk show, where you’ll host dead people. Well, A) Ricky Lake is already doing that and B) I morally can’t help you, and I’m tired of your promises for a full dental plan. Volkswagen knew I had second thoughts and that’s why he followed me...plus he has no social life."

Volkswagen came running in with a pickle in his hand declaring, "Nobody moves!" A moment’s silence was soon exchanged with a hearty laugh shared by all, even Mr. Beetle. Volkswagen was agitated; he realized his to-do list included charging with a pistol, not a pickle. Unfortunately, even his sight was muffled.

Willy Nelson and the girls seized the opportunity and after one round of the Macarena, they fled the scene, looking for Elliot Bonnaro in the club. The ladies used their female intuition to navigate through the club’s maze. The signs with little arrows pointing the way to Mr. Bonnaro’s office were also helpful. When they reached his office, they saw a frightened man tied and gagged. While untying him, they shared story and asked what to do next.

He looked at them with eyes that had both wisdom and gratefulness and said, "Of course, you do know that this lady is butt naked?!"

"For god’s sake," sighed Jane, "put something on!"

"But I left my clothes on the floor when you rushed me!" answered Julia.

"Here," Willy Nelson told Julia as he handed her his wallet, "use this to cover up!"

Mr. Bonnaro grinned and said, "Who would have thought that you three would be chosen? God works in mysterious ways, and so does gravity in the playboy mansion! In your bra, Jane, lies the answer to the Meaning of Life. If it will fall to the wrong hands, you will be very sore, and the parchment will be in risk as well. Men don’t need to know the Meaning of Life cause it’s the search that keeps us going. However, the parchment cannot be destroyed, only lost. You’ll have to discard it in the only place where it will never be found - in the center of the Bermuda Triangle. My Yacht is outside, take it and don’t look back...that’s what we have rear view mirrors for! Good luck."

As the trio jumped out the window, Ernest and Ernestine barged into Mr. Bonnaro’s office. "Where are they?" they asked.

"You will never get this out of me, never you hear me, NEVER! Okay, they just left on my yacht, but there’s no other boat ready for departure...except my other yacht, which you will never get the keys to, never, you hear me, NEVER!!! Okay, they’re in the cabinet behind you, where it says, ‘keys to second yacht’..."

Stay tuned for the next titillating chapter - coming soon!