1) Write a ransom note exclusively out of conversation hearts.

2) Sell flowers on the street corner. Don't even buy them - just steal them off of graves at the cemetery.

3) Make reservations a month in advance for Valentine's Day dinner. Bring an inflatable doll with you. You'll get a lot of attention, and a lot of annoyance from legitimate couples who have been standing in line for an hour trying to get a table.

4) By a bunch of kiddie Valentines and send them to a person in your complex who is in a committed relationship. Sign them all with different names, then sit back and listen to the sparks fly when the significant other comes home.

5) Find the tallest building in your city. Climb to the top of it. Throw down those hard red juju hearts trying to coldcock happy couples passing by. If you get impatient, throw down the whole bag.

6) Borrow your lawn mower and cut a heart in your living room carpet. Call your landlord and say a lesbian alien couple left a crop circle in your living room.

7) Buy a crate of the champagne that they use to christen buildings. Walk up to random couples and break the bottle over their heads, christening their relationship.

8) Rent a mind-boggling amount of porn from the video store. Fast forward all of the tapes to the end and return them 15 minutes later, naked. Let them try and figure it out.

9) Set up all your friends with the most incompatible blind dates possible. Set up your butch lesbian friend with a homophobic body builder, or the supermodel-wannabe with the winner of the Urkel look-alike contest. With a little convincing, one of your more desperate friends would surely take out your freshly pruned rubber plant.

10) Call into the Larry King show approximately 20 times speaking only in euphemisms for the word "sex."

11) Get a mail order bride catalog. Call up their customer service number and claim that you wonder if they have a special discount if you order in bulk, because you live in Utah.

12) Call up every person in the phone book pretending you are a telemarketer selling your soul.

13) Put your heart up for auction. See if there are any takers.

14) Play Cupid. Buy some of those candy mellow-crème Valentine arrows, put them in your mouth and spit them at random people.

15) If all else fails, hit yourself over the head with a 2 x 4. If you're lucky, you won't wake up until February 15th.