We come to you today, on February 13 of the year 2003, to make this State of the Relationship address and plea for your compassion and understanding. The time we’ve spent together over the past few hours, days, or even months has been fantastic and we wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, but we’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and there is one tiny thing that’s been bothering us...

We pride ourselves in the fact that we don’t often come asking for much – a meal here or some sex there – but for the most part we like to consider ourselves to be quite independent people. Of course, it’s really no secret that when we’re out for a night on the town and the gawkers are lined up from here to tinsel-town, they’re pretty much looking at you and you alone...and we’re ok with that. You’ve always been more than just eye candy to us, and let the record show that we consider ourselves lucky to even have you around at all. Just thinking about how dirty the dishes would get makes us shudder (kidding!).

You see, the thing is – sometimes we feel a bit unrecognized in this relationship, and it’s not entirely your fault. It seems like ever since the beginning of time, the relationship has been framed around the intimacy of the woman, with the man doing all of the physical, non-sensitive work, showering his lady with gifts and so-forth, and herein lies our primary concern – basically, why don’t we get anything for Valentine’s Day??? We don’t mean to make a big deal out of it or anything, but maybe just a card or something?!

Just think about it – you chicks get literally showered with presents from us for every little event in your day-planner. Birthdays, monthly anniversaries, days when ‘...you’re not feeling so fresh and we don’t want to end up sleeping on the couch...’, and of course, the mother of them all – Valentine’s Day. Chocolate and flowers and teddy bears and dinner and the moon, for Christ’s sake, and what do we get in return? An "Aww, that’s so cute!" or maybe "Yummy – my favorite kind!" or possibly even "Sure, I’ll have another glass of this incredibly expensive wine..." and we’re supposed to be satisfied, right? Well, not anymore, ladies! The gig’s up...

Yeah, we bought it for a while. That mildly entertaining sex with the exuberantly-loud fake orgasm climax was a nice touch, too, but you’ll buy us off with your sexy words and cheap sex no more, for it’s time that we got to enjoy a bit of this treat you call Valentine’s Day, too! We don’t expect much, mind you – we’re just tired of being on the end of the giving line the whole time, so maybe you could start with a nice card and a box of assorted chocolates or something...no dark chocolate, please! We’ve also always wondered what it would be like to receive something from you at work...you know, other than a list of groceries to pick up on the way home...so possibly flowers would be an interesting touch, too.

And then there’s dinner! No need to get fancy or anything – believe us when we say we know just how impossible it can be to get reservations on Valentine’s Day! Perhaps that Chinese place down the street – they’ve always got room for a few more...why don’t more people choose sweet and sour feline for their Valentine’s Day dinner, anyways? Frankly, just a meal where we don’t have to pick up the check would be a Godsend! It probably wouldn’t hurt to call ahead and make sure they’ve got an open bar, though...

By the time we do manage to drag our drunken bodies back to the apartment, we certainly know that we’re going to be in the mood...in the mood for Sports Center, that is, so maybe we could just skip all of that fake moaning and awkwardness and jump right to the part where you get up to brush your teeth and we pull out that extra remote control we’ve got hidden behind the lamp (oops...). Come to think of it, don’t you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow? Maybe it would be best if you just slept on the couch – it sounds like we missed a pretty good game and they’re bound to be showing the highlights all night!

See – we don’t ask for much here, just equality. We have no qualms about putting up with this whole women’s lib. movement and helping out more around the house and such, but likewise you’re going to have to meet us halfway on this Valentine’s Day thing...it’s only fair! Besides, if you're going to be making as much money as we are anyways, there's not much sense in our having to pick up the check all the time anymore, now is there? Ahhh, equality...

Respectfully Yours,

The Men

P.S. We didn’t realize that that thing you left hanging on the showerhead wasn’t a hat...where might one find something like that in the store, anyways?

P.P.S. Nevermind. We left five bucks on the counter – maybe you could just pick-up a new one the next time you’re out? By the way, we’re out of toilet paper, too...

P.P.P.S. ...and burritos – the beef and chili kind, not the bean ones. Those have a tendency to give us gas...but you already knew that!

P.P.P.P.S. We love you!