Lately I've been seeing signs that advertise haunted hayrides. I don't mean this metaphorically, as if to imply that there are not actual wooden signs, but instead abstract realizations. The signs are painted with actual paint and they contain actual words, just like the ones that appear in a dictionary, except not as many. Still, I'm not really sure what's so scary about hay. Horses show absolutely no fear when consuming it, but maybe that's why they are so hungry that they could eat another horse. Similarly, farmers don't run away at the sight of hay; on the contrary, they are attracted to it. Finally, we are willing to look for a needle in a haystack, which reveals two things: hay isn't scary, and we need to realize that you can buy needles at most stores instead of wasting time looking for an old one...

Stores should realize that if they are trying to make profit (and trust me on this, since I've been to Storrs, Connecticut), they should advertise their availability of pins and needles. Just think of how many farmers would stop by if they heard the line, "Stop looking for needles in a haystack. We have brand new ones at BlankMart." Traffic lights would suddenly lose all purpose

...

Let me get back on track (preferably inside), though, with the hay situation. Although a haunted hay ride is not something that provokes a lot of fear, I do think that a haunted hey-ride would be quite frightening:

Scary Person #1: Hey!

Scary Person #2: I was also going to yell, "Hey!"

Visitor: Stop it, you're scaring me.

Scary Person #3: Hey!

Scary Person #1: Get back in your position, buddy. We don't need you yet. Oh, and hey, by the way.

Scary Person #2: Hey!

Visitor: This is too much. I am going to buy some hay, being that I have advertised a hayride and do not yet own any.

My frightening moment of the week came yesterday when I found an ending machine. Granted, the first word was missing the "V," but this story is a lot more effective if I ignore that fact. So, basically, I had the crucial decision: I could either purchase the Twizzlers and cause world destruction, or I could keep my money and also keep the world on its axis. I think it's obvious what I chose...

Now we just have to wait until the effects kick in...

Scary Person #3: Hey!

Greg: You're definitely out of position now. You're a few paragraphs past your spot.

Scary Person #3: I lost track amidst all this confusion concerning ending machines.

Greg: That's understandable. But you'll get better at it, don't worry.

So when it comes down to it, fear is what you make of it. In fact, one thing I can tell you that would save your life is...

Scary Person #3: Hey!

Greg: Okay, now you're completely out of line, and you've completely taken away my train of thought. You go back to your hayride and I'll book a trip to Storrs.

Scary Person #3: Oh yeah?

Greg: Yeah. But I digress.