You are invited to the big Halloween party at the last minute. In reality, they just needed something to pin the tail on...

Expect an unpleasant surprise tomorrow morning upon arriving to work. It looks like your desk is your co-workers Official Holding Area for the Crap Candy that Our Kids Didn't Want.

Expect an embarrassing revelation this evening. There is a reason you get egged and toilet papered every year. There is not a single man, woman, child, or sewer rat that likes those $1.00-for-a-bag-of-50,000 sticky toffee candy that could cause 007's Jaws to have teeth falling out of his mouth. Buy some real candy, nimrod.

When deciding on a costume, it's best to throw caution into the wind. You'll win the most creative prize if you just go out in your birthday suit. There isn't many Pilsbury Dough Boy with Abdominal Bloating costumes out there.

You have always thought of yourself as witty, but others seem to be avoiding you today. Take the hint. That THIS IS MY COSTUME shirt made one grandiose-delusional psychopath laugh 15 years ago, and he was on prescription nitrous oxide, Prozac, and a bi-daily dosage of "Who's on First". Get some new material.

Around 8:00 pm tonight, you'll have a strong desire to smack someone upside the head with an institutional-size blender full of scalding hot duck soup. Coincidentally, 5 minutes before this desire, you'll miss the finale of Buffy because you'll be in pursuit of the teenagers who are egging your house (I warned you about giving out those little hard-as-Britney-Spears-torso-sticky-toffee-crap-candy, cheapskate).

Yes! A month of laboring to get your house to look haunted has paid off, and kids are literally screaming in fright as you open the door! However, that is nothing new as Martha Stuart would spontaneously combust with your Pee-Wee's-Playhouse-esque interior decorating skills.

On Halloween night, those people born under the sign of a Scorpion are warned to show prudence. Make sure that girl dressed as a Playboy Bunny that's hitting on you isn't hiding anything...like an Adam's apple.

You are urged to recapture your youth tonight without fear of what others would think of you. So, regardless of your age, go trick or treating! Others won't even bat an eye at you. After all, everyone knows that the Hunchback of Notre Dame had a more active social life than you.

You get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit at work due to a misunderstanding on your end. Halloween Rule #256: "Bobbing for apples" does not involve involuntary nudity of a member of the opposite sex.

You are ecstatic to learn that you got the largest pumpkin for the pumpkin carving competition. Then you discover that the size of the pumpkins were determined by the size of each participant's ass.

You discover painfully that there is a million one uses for candy corn. This is especially true after you discover your loving co-workers dumped a package on your chair glazed with Krazee Glue.