We know how hard it can be to meet new people. Hell, it's a known fact that some of us have made in a habit to even get caught making asses of ourselves grocery shopping, so it's no wonder that the annual Halloween party makes us all a little uneasy. Nonetheless, it is also a proven fact that, given the right circumstances, said parties can also be highly entertaining, as long as you're sure to take a few precautions...

• Try to avoid going as a character no one else knows from a book no one else's read, and if that's just where your creativity ends, please don't feel the need to explain it to the rest of us - just go grab a beer and sit in the corner with the rest of them...
• DO NOT let your girlfriend choose your costume for you, no matter how innocent it sounds at the time. Yeah, Peter Pan fought with pirates and got to fly, but he also wore tights...and there's just nothing manly about that!
• On the other hand, if there's simply no avoiding her chosing the costumes, try to at least convince her to go with something that offers a full face mask. Everyone will still find out eventually that you had to go dressed as Winnie the Pooh, but the pictures taken of your friends getting their asses beaten by the silly old bear will make that pain just a little more bearable.
• If all else fails, dress in drag.

One thing to keep in mind, though - this still isn't an automatic free pass to let your femine side flow free for all of the regulars out there! Even though we're drunk, there are still a few of us who can tell the difference between a goofy, last-minute costume and a carefully thought-out, organized ensemble. 'Nuff said, if your outfit is color-coordinated and you can actually walk in those heels, your secret may just be out anyways...

• Guys - remember that if you were dragged here by your girlfriend, you have two complimentary, duty-free, "I thought it was you..." ass-grabings to your name this evening...use them wisely.

If you weren't dragged here by your girlfriend, or at least one of the foxier members of the female gender, then what the hell are you doing here in the first place?!?!? What are you, gay?

• Not only is it customary to cop-a-feel from your hostess when she's dressed up as Elvira - Queen of the Dark, it's expected!
• Be sure to exercise extreme caution when consuming that swamp-like confection your host is calling punch - it was most likely created by simply adding Kool-Aid to a bowl filled with every kind of liquor they could find in the house.

Martha Stewart Fun fact: By matching the flavor of Kool-Aid to the color of your carpet, you'll make the clean-up process a little easier the next day after your guests have departed and your home reeks of their stomach linings.

• No matter how cool it was when you were eight, having adults feel "brains" in a bowl just isn't scary.

Seeing your office manager in a fru-fru, however, is a whole different kind of fear altogether!

• Liquor before beer, you're in the clear; beer before liquor, you certainly won't be getting back your security deposit on that ugly-as-hell costume...
• That fine-lookin' chick may seem like a good idea at the time, but remember: you've already had a few beers AND this is Halloween. There's no worse way to celebrate the first day of November than by waking up next to that fine-lookin' chick after his stuble has begun to grow back...
• Guests are often encouraged to bring their own ghoulish creations to add to the festivities, and nothing will scare the shit out of your girlfriend (and pay her back for dressing you up in that ridiculous costume) like a carefully placed tarantula in her salad. Works great for weddings and bar mitzvahs, too!
• When bobbing for apples, be courteous and let the ladies go first...especially the ones that came dressed as cheerleaders and Hooters girls!
• Nevertheless, bobbing for pickles just isn't the same...trust me.
• Remember, caramel apples are not only extremely yummy, but they will also stick to anything! Especially the walls...
• The party's not over until all of the neighbor's garden gnomes are swimming with the fishes at the bottom of the pool.
• ...and for god sakes, if after all this is over, your significant other turns to you and suggests that the two of you host your own Halloween party next year, try ditching the body someplace inconspicuous like a cemetary - if it's anything like last year was, you might even run into a friend or two along the way...