We know how it is - you want this year's Halloween to bring even more tooth-rotting goodies than ever before, but you're just missing that special something to make it all happen. Well you're in luck because we know exactly what that special something is and conveniently, it comes in the form of a list for easy viewing! Take this knowledge and make us proud...

• Apparently all the rage today is the church-sponsored Halloween party, where parents can choose to dump their children off in a well-supervised environment to avoid the dangers associated with conventional trick or treating. They'll tell you that you'll get more candy and have more fun this way, but they are lying to you! This is one issue you'll need to fight unless you want to end up holding hands and singing kumbaya all night.
• Now that you've convinced your parents to let you out on the streets, you may become prematurely worried that they'll just slow you down, following you in the car and such. Well, don't worry because as soon as it gets dark and things start to pick-up, there's no way that they'll be able to keep up with you with the streets filled with other children and you lost in the mix...
• It may be unfair, but keep in mind that some people do actually purchase several different kinds of candy and disperse it depending on their opinions of your costume. We are some of those people, so when you only get a couple of stale, tootsie-roll knock-offs after showing off your ghost costume, don't act so surprised...
• You may be anxious to hit the road early and check out uncharted territories, but take the time to visit each house on your own street first. It's mainly a courtesy thing, plus these people already know you and many times they'll have put together special grab bags for the local kids...or at least the local kids who don't show up last...
• There are a lot of fun places to bring your dog (or other beloved family pet), but trick or treating is not one of them! Sure, it's nice having him shit in other people's yards for a change so you won't have to clean it up, but when he drags you halfway down the block chasing that pirate who thought it would be funny to just give him a taste of caramel apple, don't say we didn't warn you...
• If it seems like you're getting better candy from the richer-looking houses, that's because you probably are. It's normally wrong to judge people based on their appearance, but Halloween night is an exception so remember, if it's less than a two-story house, it's not worth your time walking up to the door!
• Whatever you do, don't fall for the glow-in-the-dark skeleton that will try to scare you by jumping out of the bushes nearby. It's just Mr. Kline, your creepy next-door neighbor, and kicking him in the nuts will take care of him in a pinch! (and teach him not to spy on you and your friends sunbathing anymore!)
• Old people can be tricky - some will have great prizes for you because they love to see your smiling faces, while others are simply reminded of people they once knew each time the doorbell rings. Unless you're up for a fifteen minute story about someone you've never met, proceed with caution at these houses...
• You will undoubtedly pass several groups of older kids throughout your journey this evening. These people are either out to do mischief or don't realize that they're too old to be trick or treating, but both have absolutely no qualms about stealing your hard-earned candy - avoid them at all costs!
• Stay on the lookout for the houses that appear to be too decorated for Halloween. Sure, it looks super-spooky and the bats make it amazingly realistic, but in the end, chances are that the bums living inside won't have anything to give you...or at least not anything that you want!
• Contrary to popular belief, wearing multiple costumes to quality neighborhoods rarely works to get large amounts of the good stuff. Instead, try setting up a trip-wire midway through the area - this way you can clean house from both directions without worrying about actually finding someplace to change costumes several times.
• Be leary of any house that simply leaves a basket of candy on the porch for you to help yourself! This is an ideal setup for those folks who like to dress up themselves and scare the crap out of you by popping out when you're least expecting it, or they might just have lots of really lousy, cheap candy that they otherwise wouldn't be able to unload!
• If someone walks up to you dressed as a street thug, holding an aluminum baseball bat or other such implement of destruction, and asks you, "Trick or treat..." RUN LIKE HELL!!!
• Traveling in large groups is typically the best way to avoid any candy-thievery-related scuffles, but your chosen dress is also very important! A band of ninjas and armed foot-soldiers are much less likely to get ambushed than, oh say, a sailor and his male-dancer companions...
• When given the option, choose to remain going door-to-door rather than going downtown to hit up the local businesses. Yeah, there are a few that will be giving out decent treats, but remember: a candy bar in your bag is worth at least two of those stupid coupons most vendors will try to pawn off on you...
• It is very possible that your treat bag may become extremely heavy or even full before your group is ready to retire. In these situations, it's actually ideal to have a parent along to hand-off the first bag to while you continue, but if nothing else, find a suitable place to ditch your stash and plan on returning later.

Note that if your chosen area has an unusually large abundance of wildlife, it may be necessary for you to return sooner rather than later. Oh yeah, and you might want to bring a big stick...

• We know that it isn't the most ethical of methods, but let's face it - beating up other kids is going to be your best bet for getting the most candy in the least amount of time.
• There is no good way to carry eggs for the purpose of seeking revenge on those who try to buy your hasty departure with lousy candy, so the best thing you can do is simply to carry them in their original carton infront of you and if anybody asks, just tell them that the grocery store you work at part-time pays you in eggs...

Although no one will actually buy this excuse, it should confuse them long enough for you to make a clean getaway. If they continue to be a problem, throw eggs at them and then run like hell!

• When you get home, your parents will insist on checking your candy before you eat anything, for razor blades and such, but this is just their way of getting to all of the good stuff before you. Fortunately, you already knew this and ate the best candy bars and sweets on the way home, so let them search all they want!
• And for God's sake, know when it's time to call it quits! There's nothing that ruins the Halloween spirit more than seeing a group of kids clearly too old to be trick or treating at the door. Hint: If you can drive, then drive your ass to the store and buy yourself some candy!

Just because you didn't get invited to any Halloween parties doesn't mean that you're outta luck this year. Rent a couple of crazy / scary movies and spend the night making fun of them. OR Take a nap. In the morning, you'll get your chance to harrass everyone who has hangovers from the night before, so it all evens out in the end...