Some people are just cheap - that's all there is to it.

We've all experienced the problem, returning home and sorting through your loot only to find that nearly half of your treasure is worthless crap that the dog won't even come near. You could throw it away, but then you'd most likely just have the environmental protection agency on your back...so what to do? Luckily, we've got a bit of spare time on our hands and after perusing some of our favorite children's novels in search of inspiration, we came up with the following insights, suggestions and general comments...

A is for Any of Several Dirty Words - which you've been using to describe those who gave you this crap in the first place!
B is for Broken Teeth - which go without saying if you attempt to eat any of it yourself...
C is for Candy Peanuts - the echelon of horrible candy, available at most dollar stores for approximately 50 cents per metric ton, these orange chunks of goo represent all that is wrong with the world - avoid them at all costs!
D is for Dirt - bury the stash in your neighbor's yard and let their animals deal with it later!
E is for Environmental Hazard - there's a fine, so don't go just dumping them anywhere unless you cover your tracks...
F is for Fire - it probably won't work, but burning stuff is always kinda neat, right? G is for Garbage Disposal - unless you want to end up buying Mom a new one, you won't be getting anywhere here, either...
H is for Hire Somebody to Eat Them for You - unfortunately, nobody has this kind of money...
I is for Incarceration - which would be going easy on the idiots who gave you this crap!
J is for Jack'O Lanterns - tired of watching the local jerks smash your holiday creations? Just pack them full of these jaw-breakers and laugh as they limp off in defeat!
K is for Kneed Them into Statues of Your Friends for Christmas - don't ask...
L is for Liquid Nitrogen - remember that cool trick from science class with the shattering banana? Use your imagination!
M is for Marshmallow - often a key ingredient in these devilish treats (are s'mores possibly an option?)
N is for Neighborly Advice - "hand out garbage like this again and it might be the last time your household celebrates Halloween..."
O is for Open-Source Coding - a completely unrelated plug by one of the largest technological movements today (damn hackers, we had a good one for 'O', too!)
P is for Peeps - oddly enough, you'd think that these things would taste horrible after sitting out for weeks and becoming hard as rocks, but they don't...
Q is for Quantity - as opposed to quality, such as the approach we took when writing this feature...
R is for Rover - it'd be animal cruelty, but luckily your dog won't go near this junk anyways...
S is for Sling-Shot Ammo - we're not even sure if kids still play with these, but honor Dennis the Menace and safe yourself looking for rocks for a while!
T is for Tongue - you attempt to make the best of the situation and try to break down a piece or two, but just end up biting into this instead...man, does that hurt!
U is for Ultra-Violet Radiation - it seems like a good idea, but do you really want a bunch of radioactive, mutant crappy candy walking around?! Neither do we...
V is for Violence - it's aided in the resolutions of religious and political disputes for generations, so it just might be worth a try here...now you've just gotta decide who the enemy is...
W is for Windows - which you could break by means of throwing lousy candy through them, if you could only remember where they came from in the first place...
X is for Xenophobia - if you had followed your gut in the first place, maybe you wouldn't have even gotten any of this crap!
Y is for Yucky Candy - remember? That's what we're talking about here...
Z is for Zzzzzzz - we'll no doubt be catching plenty of these while the rest of you are up all night trying our crazy ideas!