Chapter 1: Everybody's Got a Killer in Miami

"Only fifteen more minutes..." Jane thought to herself as she sat impatiently at her desk. The hands of the clock danced seductively past the minutes, taunting her with the undying passion of a thousand suns. The seconds seemed to creep closer and closer to 5 o'clock, then stick their tongues out in a Neener, neener, neener-type fashion and quickly return to their original positions. "Fridays suck," she muttered.

But this Friday would be a very special Friday for Jane McCaffery, for although she wasn't aware of it at the time, it would be a very long weekend for her! Jane had tolerated the pressures and flagrant sexual advances of her district manager, Jim Gosen or Mr. Gosen to her, for quite long enough and it was about time that she did something about the situation. She put up with it all for the longest time - the nicknames in the copy room, the innuendos in the elevator she frequented throughout the day, but the ass grabbing in the cafeteria line every single day - the ass grabbing was just too much... Jane smiled a sadistic smile as she watched the minutes creep past, as she knew that today was finally judgment day. Today was Jim Gosen's day to die.

On the other side of town, Tony and Steve were just finishing moving the last of the young woman's possessions out of her apartment. It really wasn't anything personal - Tony and Steve were simply two well-endowed thugs who needed to make a living...and finance the new pool table that stood proudly in the center of their 4th floor studio efficiency. Seeing as she had chosen to live in Miami, the crime capital of the free world, Jane really had no one to blame but the ethnic variety of her choice. Besides, the guys were fairly nice about the whole thing, anyways, being sure to leave a note on the door saying, "Thank-you for your business!" and a signed estimate for her to turn in to her insurance company.

Speeding away from the office with her .45 in hand, Jane had never felt more alive! Although she encountered many drivers whom she'd have really enjoyed practicing on - a pizza delivery boy pushing his Ford Escort to the limits, a family vacationing from Michigan and a very large moving truck piloted by a middle-aged Italian man and his brother - but, "No," she thought. These bullets are to make up for seven and a half years of unforgettable ass grabbing and that's exactly what they were going to be used for. As she rounded the last corner on her way to the bar where she was to meet Mr. Gosen after hours for a drink or two, she finally broke down and popped a round into the skull of an insurance salesman drilling motorists for a quick policy between red lights. "No loss there!" she chuckled to herself, completely unaware of the irony involved in the whole situation.

Jane pulled around back and parked her car in the alley behind Lefty's. All eyes were on her as she strolled into the alcohol-induced coma that Lefty called fine dining. Her stiletto-clad feet led their minds on a journey that would've gotten them divorced in several states, but by that point, she was fixed on one man alone. She took her place at the bar and bracing herself, promptly received the patented ass grab she knew was waiting for her, she looked Lefty in the eye and ordered three shots of his best whiskey.

"Put 'em on Jimbo's tab!" Jane announced to the world. "Enough of these and he may just get a bit lucky tonight!!!"

Jim just smiled a grin that he had learned from Satan himself and dug his nails in a little deeper. Jane had no idea just how lucky Jimbo planned on getting that night, but it was definitely going to be something she'd never forget! Giving her a wink that would've impregnated most girls, he slid another drink in her direction and suggested, "You've got a little catching up to do, baby!" He licked his lips and thrust his pelvis forward, still toting the $9.95 K-Mart khakis he'd worn to work that day.

Jane threw back one drink after another, amazing the crowd with an alcohol tolerance that could kill a horse. She'd been drinking ever since the ripe age of twelve, when she used to spend her summer nights drinking down by the river with her father. Some criticized him for his irresponsible behavior, but at least he was spending time with his daughter. "Besides, it could be worse," he always told them, "she could be off shooting crack with her mother..."

The liquor flowed on and on as the two slowly grew closer and closer, until nearly two hours later she found herself practically sitting in his lap, telling the story about when her best friend had mistakenly hired a team of homoerotic, strip-teasing dwarves to entertain for her 2nd bachelorette party...

"And I never saw little Timmy again," Jane mumbled, now quite inebriated after having emptied half of the bar and damn near all of Jim's pocket book. "Wow, that's a really nice..." she tried to speak, but finally passed out.

"A really nice what?!?!?!" Jim shouted, smacking the woman back into consciousness. It was often said that Jim Gosen was somewhat of a vain person, but in reality Jim was an extremely vain person.

"...hat..." she whispered, quickly subduing once again to her previous position. Although Jim wasn't technically wearing a hat, he did truly appreciate the compliment itself and almost reconsidered his plans for the poor, young woman that night, but then he came to terms with himself and realized that an opportunity such as the one in front of him at that point doesn't come by often, so after tossing Lefty a wad of bills to cover the night's liquid entertainment, he scooped Jane up in his arms and carried her out the back where his own ride was waiting, a 1987 Oldsmobile Cutlass.

Not surprisingly, Jane's Mustang was nowhere to be found, but she wasn't exactly near the point of caring at the time. Jim carefully set the woman down in the front seat and, after securely buckling her in (safety first!), he came around to the driver's side, took his position and drove off, squealing his tires in a manner that even made the nearby rodents chuckle wholeheartedly.

As Jim cruised to his destination, many thoughts about the evening's events danced circles around his head...

Why was he doing this?
What would happen if he ever got caught?
What had Jane McCaffery done do deserve this treatment?

Well, the 47 date rejections were certainly a good start! Who did this woman think she was, anyways? He knew that he himself wasn't necessarily the pinnacle of the dating pyramid, but hey, it wasn't like she was exactly fending dates off with a stick, either. The only reason he had finally gotten her to say 'yes' was because she had planned on killing him that night, anyways, so in a way she kinda had it coming. Yeah, that's it, she had it coming!

Jim pulled up to the train station and got as close to the platform as he possibly could. "This is going to have to be fast," he told himself. It would definitely look a bit suspicious and the last thing he needed was some old granny ratting him out. He lifted her body out of the car and carried her toward the tracks...where there just happened to be a train waiting with just a few minutes before departure. The attendant just stepped aside and grinned as Jim approached, slipping his twenty dollar "fee" into his back pocket as the man and woman passed.

He worked his way to the back of the car where he had reserved a single first-class seat for his lovely date. "You'd better enjoy this, honey, because it's all going down hill from here!" he spoke as he rested her unconscious body into the seat. He then reached for her purse and emptied it out onto the seat next to her. Leaving only a few spare bills, a pack of chewing gum and her feminine products, he gave her a peck on the cheek, uttered the words, "Have a nice trip, babe!" and exited the train.

Back at his car, he took her ID and other belongings and placed them inside a manila envelope he had previously prepared with her home address and sealed it shut. "Some day you're going to look back on this trip and just laugh...well, at least I know that I will," Jim spoke out loud as he pulled away from the station and headed back into town. He had actually gotten the idea after watching an episode of The Drew Carey Show in which Mimi had sent drew to China as the ultimate practical joke, and although he really didn't make enough money to be able to afford such a lavish prank, he thought that the substitutions he had made would end up working out quite nicely and almost wished that he was going along with her on this adventure...

Nah!!!

Jane remained asleep and unaware of her surroundings for several hours, more than long enough to get her well out of the area and away from anything that she might somehow be able to recognize. Jim had planned the trip quite well, so that she would be awakening just shortly before she arrived in her destination - Atlanta, GA. Boy was she going to be in for a surprise!

Continue on to the next chapter, following Jane's plotline...
Continue on to the next chapter, following the original storyline...