Chapter 10: Time Flies When You're Trapped in a Plot Hole

Suddenly, Julia snapped her head up and peered out the window.

"Say, isn't that the statue of liberty over there?"

"Where? Where?" Gene said, who was silently celebrating that he had turned into cool actor Gene Hackman instead of Gene Roddenberry.

"There, just beyond the Eiffel tower!"

They both fell silent and pondered whether to even bring up this all-new plot-hole the size you could easily drive a MACK-truck through as they passed the pyramid on their left. Then they spotted a strange building with self-serve robbery, into which people flocked to get reamed in the most dastardly ways.

"Ah, we're in Las Vegas," Gene concluded with a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, we obviously made good time from... Wherever we were going from, but I'm sure Vegas is not on the way to Atlanta."

"Oh hush, let's enjoy ourselves and get the party going!" Gene said.

"Have you forgotten about the bomb in this taxi?" the driver asked. "You know, the one that will go off if you airheads try to leave it?"

"Bah! That 'Speed' shtick is so lame!" Julia said.

"Pull over! Drinks are on me!" Gene said.

The driver, being Irish and always interested in a free drink, grinned and pulled into the Caesar's Palace parking lot. To everybody's huge surprise, the taxi did not explode as they exited the vehicle (that would have been a truly fatal plot-hole; killing off the main characters mid-story! Oh my!) However, the valet parking attendant was not so lucky, primarily because he's not important to this story, so he blew up as soon as he entered the cab. But don't worry about him. His name was Josh and he was a jerk anyway. He punted his neighbors' bulldog like a football once. So you see, it was well deserved.

"Ah, the joy of Sin City!" Julia sighed as the charred remains of the exploded taxi rained down on the pavement behind them.

"Where's the bar?" the driver asked.

"See a Blackjack table anywhere?" Gene asked.

"Wait a second, weren't we supposed to meet with Robin Williams?" Julia said as they entered the temple of greed.

"Why?" the driver asked.

"Hell if I know, but she's right." Gene said. "Perhaps he owes us money?"

"Buy me a bottle of Jameson's whiskey, and I'll help you collect!" the driver said.

"That's a deal!"

Gene fished out his handy jungle machete and led the expedition as they slashed their way through the impenetrable wall of smoky air towards the bar. Finally, they reached their goal. Just as they were about to order, the floor underneath them gave way and dropped them into darkness. The trapdoor slammed shut above them, and a second later their butts made contact with the floor in the most unpleasant way.

"God-damned f-ing &#%#$@$#!!" Julia said and kicked Gene in the ribs, since her therapist insisted on her never to keep things bottled up inside.

"Oh my God!" the driver said. "This is it! It's not the mob that owns Las Vegas - it's the NRA! We're doomed! We're doomed!"

"Oh, shaddup you baby. Who's afraid of a bunch of armed-to-the-teeth, crazed hillbillies anyway? Besides, it's YOU they're after, not us!" Gene muttered.

"That's what YOU think, Bubba! Now that you've been associated with me, you're toast, both of you. These guys are not particularly bright, so it doesn't take much to get on their bad side." The driver sneered.

"Ok, there's only one thing to do then…" Julia said as she stood up. She cleared her throat and loudly declared, "I am a victim of everything, government should protect us all, and Twinkies should be federally subsidized."

And behold! With a flash worthy of a campy 60s superhero movie, Captain Bleeding-Heart Liberal entered the room!

"I feel your pain..." He said. "Let's get you out of this dreadful NRA hellhole and into a sound environment filled with free schools, no pollution and all businesses taxed to death." Captain Bleeding-Heart Liberal clicked his distinctively queer-looking boots together, and with another flash they were standing in a certain town in Northern California where masturbation technique is a regular university course.

"Oh great, we're in Berkley," the driver said.

"Well, doesn't Robin Williams reside in San Francisco? Then it should be a short drive," Gene said.

"But what about me?" Captain Bleeding-Heart Liberal said.

"Oh, you can tag along to Frisco if you want. We can drop you off someplace where they like men in tights," Julia said.

"I beg your pardon?" Captain Bleeding-Heart Liberal said and blushed. Then he clicked his heels again and disappeared in a flash.

"Looks like we have to find some other mode of transportation," Gene said.

"Yeah, how about we knock out that gang of Hell's Angels over there and steal three of their hogs? It can't be more than 20 of them - that should be about 4-5 each for the 3 of us," The driver said.

"Well, given that they carry baseball bats, chains and shotguns, and all we have is a broken Q-Tip and Gene's navel fuzz, perhaps we should devise a strategy before approaching them," Julia said.

"I have an idea; how about we go over there and simply bore them to death with one of my stories?" Gene said.

"Yeah, how about the one where we were on this wild goose chase to find Robin Williams?" the driver suggested.

"No, that'd be just too weird - they'd probably beat the tar out of us," Julia said.

"Perhaps we can threaten them by spending the rest of this story mocking bikers in general? After all, we've mocked and insulted NRA members, liberals, people from Montana, Irish folks, and dropped some dubious references to Muslims, homosexuals and Berkley-residents already. What harm could it do to add to the list of people who wants to rip our nuts off and flame-grill them?" Gene said.

"That's the sprit! And if that doesn't work, I'll just rip my shirt off Hulk Hogan-style, grab the biggest one by the ankles and use him as a bat against the rest!" the driver said with childish eagerness.

"That'd be a great idea, if it wasn't for the fact that he's about 350 lbs, and you're a 5'3", 90 lb. Peewee," Julia pointed out.

"Oh..." the driver said. "Well, here's plan B..."

Continue on to the next chapter, following Jane's plotline...
Continue on to the next chapter, following the original storyline...