Chapter 15: Police Academy Bloopers - Officer Wannabe

In any case, our co-heroine Jane, whom we left standing atop a pile of bodies, lifts her chin and says...

"...SAY HELLO...to my LITTLE FRIEND!!" the tail end of her awful Al Pacino-Scarface impression mercifully cut off by another blast from her sawed-off shotgun. "HOW JOO LIKE THAT AH?!!...I KILL JOO COCK-A-ROACHES!!"

Leaping from the pile of bodies, her Doc Martens hit the bloody ground with a thud - more of a splat, actually. Contemplating her next move, she absent-mindedly slid her foot over and wiped the blood off her boot on the Michael Bolton concert t-shirt of some poor bastard half buried in the carnage. She took special glee that Mr. Bolton had apparently peeked out of the open ninja garb and had taken one right between the eyes.

"Damn I'm good," she giggled. "If you're in there Kenny G, come out with your horn up!" she cackled maniacally at the bodies. The pile remained motionless. "Chicken-shit" she muttered, before hocking a loogey on the pile.

As she strode butch-like toward her Escort, a car screeched around the corner, lights and siren blaring, spinning sideways and shedding a hubcap in a T.J. Hooker -like cliché.

"Cops," she muttered to herself as she steadied for her final confrontation, wondering if there were any shells left in the gun. Fifteen feet from her it stopped, the door swinging open toward her, revealing the logo of her newest nemesis: Neighborhood Patrol & Tactical Code Enforcement Brigade.

Jane dropped her gun. Not out of fear, but because she now needed two free hands - one covered her mouth as she laughed and the other shot to her crotch to keep her from peeing her camouflage pants. "For a second there I thought you were a real cop!" she giggled, as the officer exited his vehicle. His brow furrowed in obvious irritation at this insult to his profession as he swung the door shut and strode towards her.

She eyed him up and down, sizing the officer up as he slowly approached her. He was a sight worthy of the ever-widening stain she now displayed on her pants, her hand unable to hold back the flood.

A Taco Bell wrapper, stuck to the heel of his black velcro-strap K-Mart shoes, flapped in the breeze with each step. Ketchup or taco sauce led a trail up his tan uniform pants all the way to his would-be gun belt. The members of this particular "brigade" were not allowed anywhere near a gun, however, so he compensated by carrying every other police-issue piece of equipment he could get his hands on; pepper spray, nightstick, flashlight, buck-knife, walkie-talkie, key-chain, and a handcuff case that was more than likely empty (or filled with spare ketchup packets). Each item was encased in its own black patent leather holster strapped to his gun belt. He was a squeaking, clattering, jingle-jangling mound of lard stalking toward her giving her his best Clint Eastwood squint. She wondered whether his stiff-legged sauntering gait was a deliberate attempt to look "bad-ass," or the painful result of one too many Taco Bell beef & bean burritos.

He clanked and clacked to a stop two feet in front of her and hooked his thumbs in his gun belt. He farted and immediately covered it up with an, "Evenin' Ma'am." Jane was intrigued that despite his indifference to personal hygiene, his badge stood out in shiny, polished contrast.

"Evenin' to you too, Officerrrrr...(she drew out the r as she squinted to read the name on his badge)...Wannabe." This was too much for Jane to take. She bit her lip and was sure a stream of piss would fly through the fingers of her crotched hand.

"That's Wa-NAH-be," he enunciated, with a look equal parts irritation and weariness.

"Betcha get that a lot huh?" she asked.

"It's Injun. Daddy was a Sioux," he sighed.

"A boy named Sioux?" she giggled, biting her lip again. He wasn't amused.

"You best not be makin' fun of my heritage, Missy. My daddy was a policeman. Worked hard protectin' the people of this fine town. He coulda been the best ever!"

"Coulda?" she asked. "What happened?"

"They hadda let him go two weeks after the academy. He had a harelip. Had trouble yellin 'freeze.' Came out 'FHEEZ!!'"

As the two of them stood next to the mountain of bodies, Officer Wannabe got down to bidness. "Ma'am, I been followin' you."

"For how long?" She wondered how much of her rampage he'd witnessed.

"Couple chapters now." He continued to stare her down as he took a small step forward.

"Looks like we got us a serious problem here," he drawled.

"We do?" she raised her eyebrows in mock surprise.

"Yes, Ma'am. Yer muffler's draggin' the ground." He pointed a fat, greasy finger at her Ford. "Some residents been complainin' bout the noise." He whipped out his ticket book, dropping his pen on the bloody ground. Picking it up again, he wiped the blood on the leg of his pants. It blended in nicely with the ketchup.

"I'm issuing you this here warning. You have ten days to fix it or you'll be forced to appear before the homeowners association to face formal charges and possible expulsion from the subdivision. Do you understand?"

"Yessir!" she promised, "I don't know how I let this happen. You have my word it'll never happen again."

"See to it dudn't, Ma'am," he nodded as he tore the ticket off the pad and handed it to her. "Just tryin' to keep the neighborhood peaceful and safe."

As she took the ticket from him, he took his turn sizing her up. He looked her slowly up and down, the irritation from the Wannabe remark returning to his face.

"Drive careful now, Ma'am," he said through gritted teeth.

Jane watched as he turned and sauntered back to his patrol car, the vehicle rocking and squeaking from the weight of his fat ass hitting the seat. As he gunned up the engine and dropped it into drive he looked over at her once more and offered an after-thought.

"And Ma'am, I hope for your sake, the next writer gives ya bigger tits." He smiled and hit the gas, leaving her in a cloud of exhaust.

Fuming, Jane slowly made her way to her car, climbed in and wheeled onto the interstate and floored it, anxious to put this chapter behind her.

Continue on to the next chapter, following Jane's plotline...
Continue on to the next chapter, following the original storyline...