Chapter 16: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

The search for Robin Williams turned out to be an odious one. One would think that Robin Williams would stick out in a biker gang like Billy Crystal sticks out in a room of comedians whose directorial debut didn’t tank as bad as Mr. Saturday Night.

Our heroes found themselves in the middle of gay San Francisco. In order to blend in to the out-of-the-closet fever around them, they ducked imperceptibly into the nearest Somewhere over the Rainbow Fashions to look for some incognito garb.

"Please take a seat," a pleasantly flaming homosexual voice came over the loud speaker. Before the gang’s eyes, a roller coaster train erupted before them while songs of Melissa Ethridge came over the loudspeaker. Julia, Gene and Chuck looked at each other and shrugged as they climbed into the pink train. The train started to propel itself into the dressing room and crashed right through the mirror. Behind the mirror was a large mining cavern.

"Chuck, I’m scared," Julia whispered.

Before he could even reply, the crew let out a collective ear-piercing scream as the roller coaster went zipping through the darkness. The track was full of invisible loop-de-loops, sharp turns, and drops, and Gene puked over the side as it came to a stop right in front of a mirror.

"Gene! I thought you said you took that Dramamine? before you left the house!" Julia barked.

"Hello, everyone. We’ve been expecting you," a voice came from the darkness.

"What -the?"

In the mirror, a hologram image of a rather stout young woman appeared to be sitting next to Julia in the train.

"Rosie O’Donnell!" Chuck exclaimed.

"Yes, my children."

The group looked at the talking hologram with befuddled expressions on their faces.

"You know us?"

"All of my kind knows you. You are the ones who are going to help us find Robin Williams."

Julia’s mouth dropped open. "You mean he’s already missing?"

Rosie shrugged, "We’re not sure. We haven’t heard from him in days. He could just be in hiding, or he could be..." she paused for dramatic effect, "...kidnapped."

"The Latvians!" the crew said in a rather Scooby-Doo-ish unison.

Rosie nodded, "Bingo."

"But, Rosie. You said that we were expected to find him. How is that possible?"

Rosie dropped her voice, "Listen, I’m not supposed to say this because I can get in serious trouble with the Latvians. One of you has a strange string of ringworm running through your body. This ringworm is found near the cerebral cortex and is known to give off psychic abilities when triggered."

Julia shuttered, "But Rosie! Isn’t that ringworm one of the calling cards of the Latvians?"

"Shhh!" Rosie whispered. "One of you is the last descendent of the highest royalty of Latvians. Inside your head is a power that is more powerful than the Queen of England, or at least Don King when Mike Tyson is winning. All Latvian descendents are marked with the ringworm, but only Latvian royalty can use it telepathically to find the other Latvians."

"Which one of us has it, Rosie?"

"I can’t say. However, know this - one of you is the last descendent of the royalty throne."

"But that means..." Chuck started.

Rosie nodded with wisdom, "Yes, my child. One of you has the one ringworm that rules them all. I must be off now."

"But, Rosie!" Julia said, "How will we know which one of us has the power?"

Rosie sighed and whispered, "Look, I can’t help you anymore. However, there is one man that can help you."

"Jerry Seinfeld?" Jerry asked

"Don Rickles?" Chuck hoped.

"I bet it’s Julia Louis Dreyfus!" Gene whispered excitedly.

"No." Rosie shook her head, "Gallagher."

"Gallagher!" the crew objected.

"Yeah, we don’t like him either. That’s why he’s the perfect cover for us. You’ll find him at the watermelon patch in the East Side of Los Angeles. Which is especially interesting because Los Angeles doesn’t grow watermelons. Farewell, my children. Good luck."

With those words, she was gone.

Our crew was rather befuddled. Among the ringworm, the Latvians, and the mysterious disappearance of Robin Williams, things were not adding up. However, curiosity got the best of them and soon they were plodding through the watermelon fields in East Los Angeles.

"Cheeeeeee wacka!" Gallagher screamed as he brought his ax down on the watermelon.

"Um, Mister Gallagher, sir?" Chuck whispered.

"What do you meddling kids want? Can’t you see I’m rehearsing?" he barked as he brought the ax above his head.

"But Mister Gallagher, one of us have the ringworm that will lead you to Robin Williams."

Gallagher froze in mid-ax-swing, "The one ringworm to rule them all?"

The three nodded.

Gallagher motioned for them to sit down on the watermelon patch. "I take it you already spoke to Rosie."

"Yes," Chuck said. "She sent us to you."

"And you don’t know which one of you are affected with the ringworm, correct?"

The group shook their heads.

"All right. You gotta go to the Los Angeles Lawn Bowling Championship. There you will find the comedian that will be able to tell you which one has the ringworm."

"Is it Drew Carey?" Julia asked hopefully.

"Or George Carlin?" Chuck chimed in.

"Or Sam Kinison?" Gene asked.

"Dude, he’s fucking dead."

"Oh, yeah."

Gallagher waved his hand, "Silence!" The group looked at him intently, "Actually you’re all wrong. It’s Andy Dick."

"Andy Dick is judging lawn bowling?!?!?!?" Chuck asked incredulously.

"It’s just natural. After all, he spent so much time bending over to get the soap in the men’s showers in the comedy clubs all those years. Who would have known that crouching down in a soap-grabbing fashion would be the perfect lawn bowling form?"

"One more thing, Mr. Gallagher. How do we get there?" Julia asked.

"That‘s the catch. You‘ll need to give him a signal to show him who you are. You can‘t take a chance in a public place like that. Therefore, you must follow these instructions to the T."

"Absolutely, Mr. Gallagher, Sir," Chuck stated.

"All right. Here‘s the catch. You must all go to the Lawn Bowling Championship in different vehicles - one of you must go in a plane, the other must go in a train, and the other must go in an automobile..."

"Planes, Trains, and Automobiles?"

"Andy Dick is a wicked John Candy fan."

"All right. We’ll do it. Thank you, Mr. Gallagher!"

With those words, the group was off to the Lawn Bowling Championship: one by plane, one by train, and one by automobile.

Continue on to the next chapter, following Julia's plotline...
Continue on to the next chapter, following the original storyline...