Chapter 17: Alien Mutant Vampire Midget Ninjas from Planet X

"Bigger tits, huh? You just wish mine were as big as yours, you tubby bastard," Jane muttered to herself.

Then, all of a sudden, THUD!

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?" Jane screamed. She swerved all over the highway, as she could no longer see out of her windshield, which was covered in green sticky goo. After quite a battle with the wheel, she finally managed to pull over to the side of the road to see what it was exactly that she had hit. Jane climbed out of the car to see something so shocking, so horrifying, that this author can’t even describe it (No, wait - that would be pointless. I guess I’ll have to describe it...but I don’t want to.) Jane saw, covered in a mess of goo, a Michael Bolton concert t-shirt!

"Didn’t I wipe my foot on that in the last chapter?" Jane asked herself. Then she noticed something strange. The mess on the car was starting to move. As she backed away in terror, she saw that the goo was starting to take the shape of a midget - a midget ninja, no less. While she was backpedaling, she stepped on something. It was, of course, another midget ninja. She then noticed that she was being surrounded.

"What the hell are you guys?!? Didn’t I just shoot you all to pieces just a few chapters ago?"

The ninja with the Michael Bolton t-shirt answered in a very high-pitched voice, "Why yes you did, you bitch. But there’s something that you didn’t know about us. We’re not your average, run of the mill midget ninjas. We’re alien mutant vampire midget ninjas from planet X!!"

"Alien mutant vampire midget ninjas from planet X? Did you just step off the screen of an Ed Wood flick or something? You couldn’t come up with anything better than ‘Planet X’?" Jane exclaimed, trying not to piss her pants once again.

"Whatchoo talkin’ about Willis? Planet X is a real planet, bitch! And it just so happens that it’s over run with bad-asses just like us."

"Then what the hell are you doing here?"

"Well...uh...err...we’re here to find a king for our planet..." the midget ninja said under his breath.

"Ok...well who were you thinking of taking? Our president? The fucking Queen of England? Who?"

"Um...not exactly... We’re here to take Michael Bolton to be our king."

Jane pissed her pants again laughing so hard.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m not too happy about it either," the deflated alien said.

"Why the hell would you want that balding piece of shit?!?"

"He wasn’t our first choice either, but our current Queen is looking for a sexy mate. And for some FUCKING reason, she thinks Michael Bolton is the sexiest man on earth!"

Right then, Michael Bolton (who was in Boston on his latest tour) was being mugged. When the mugger realized who he was, he stabbed Bolton in the head.

"Well, shiiiiiit," yelled the alien. "What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

"You could always take Kenny G."

"Hmmmm...let me think about that one...NO FUCKING WAY! You want me to go back to my queen with that piece of crap? Nuh-uh, not happening..."

One of the other ninjas piped up, "Hey, I like Kenny G’s Christmas album!" Right then, all of the other ninjas jumped on top of him and started kicking the crap out of him. They beat him to a gooey pulp, but being an alien and all, he just morphed back into his previous form no worse for the wise.

When the other ninjas realized what happened, they beat the crap out of him again. And then they beat him one more time for good measure.

"Well, I guess we’ll have to go home empty handed," the head ninja said.

"Good luck with that alien queen," replied Jane.

The head alien suddenly got a funny look on his face. "Hey, ever been gang banged by a gaggle of midget alien ninja vampires?"

Before Jane could reply, right before their eyes, a blinding light appeared in the sky. It appeared to be coming toward them. The light landed next to Jane and right in the middle of the pack of ninjas. When the light started to fade, Jane screamed in horror. It was none other than Kenny G...

Continue on to the next chapter, following Jane's plotline...
Continue on to the next chapter, following the original storyline...