Chapter 18: Babies in Toyland Hollywood

Julia screamed. Standing in front of her was a 6-foot-tall rabbit wearing a waistcoat and tails. Two tails to be exact, one the white puffy thing attached to his butt and the other the long trailing black cloth of his tuxedo jacket. Julia craned her neck looking for Gene and Chuck, who were now halfway down the block, completely oblivious to the...the thing she’d bumped into.

"I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date," the rabbit said, pulling a big watch from his pocket and showing it to Julia, who stepped to the right. The rabbit stepped right. She moved left. He moved left. He mirrored her every move, blocking her path as she tried to get by him.

She screamed again.

"Keep it down," the rabbit whispered hoarsely. "Do you want to get me fired?"

She stared at him.

"Hey, I’m just trying to make a few bucks until I get my break," the rabbit continued. "You think it’s easy being an actor who’s too clumsy to carry a tray of dishes without dropping them?" He stopped, his eyes suddenly wide inside the big fake rabbit head. "Oh my god - you didn’t really think...?"

Julia feinted to the right, then quickly moved left, making an end run around the furry creature and quickly walking down the block, looking back over her shoulder, prepared to tackle him if dared follow her.

"Hey! I can get you cheap tickets for the show! It’s Alice in Stevie Wonderland, a musical version of the book set to Stevie Wonder’s music," the rabbit called after her as she trotted down the block. He reached around and fluffed his tail...the white one...then handed a passerby a flyer for the show. "Fuckin’ tourists."

Julia caught up with her friends, who were engrossed in the gold-colored stars embedded in the sidewalk.

"Watch out!" Gene said to her. "You almost stepped on Harry Ackerman’s star!"

"Who’s Harry Ackerman?" she asked as she stepped over it.

"I don’t know, but he’s got to be someone if he’s got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame."

Chuck read the names aloud as they walked down the street. "Regis Toomey...Peggy Knudsen...where’s Anna Nicole Smith’s?"

"Forget her star," Gene said. "I want to see her footprints at Mann’s Chinese Theater."

"I want to take a bath in her tit prints," Chuck said with a grin.

"And I want to hang around some grown-ups for a change," Julia said.

"What’s eating you?" Gene asked. "You still pissed because we wouldn’t stop at Frederick’s of Hollywood?"

"That was me that was pissed about that," Chuck said.

"Oh, that’s right."

"Come on guys," Julia said. "We’re wasting what should be the best summer vacation of our life trying to figure out which of us is Slavic royalty, getting thrown out of Walgreen’s for asking the pharmacist if he has a cure for Latvian ringworm, and now we’re blowing our one afternoon in Hollywood trying to track down some Good Morning Los Angeles Lawn Bowling Championship starring Robin freakin’ Williams."

"Nanu-nanu."

"And stop with the nanu-nanu shit, will you?" she barked. "This isn’t Nick at Nite and you’re not Mork."

"No, he’s Dork from Ork. Mork’s nerdy brother."

"And besides," she continued, ignoring the two boys. "What possible difference could it make whether we get there by plane, train, and automobile or we walk?" Julia held a finger out to a woman walking by to catch her attention. "Excuse me, do you know where there’s a lawn bowling championship around here?"

"Lawn bowling? No. I’ve seen some old Italian men playing bocce on Venice Beach, right down the block from the guy who plays Jimi Hendrix on the electric guitar while riding a unicycle and across from where that girl juggles live porcupines. You might try checking the newspaper."

Julia looked around and found a news rack filled with copies of LA Weekly. She picked one up. The cover showed a photograph of the Hollywood sign that had been altered so it said: Hollywoodie. Underneath it said: "How the studios are horn-dogging in on the porn market."

She quickly leafed through the newspaper until she found the week’s schedule of events. "Let’s see...there’s a Knack reunion at the Hard Rock Cafe, a Knack cover band at the Viper Room, a Knack cover band reunion at the Whiskey, Gabe Kaplan’s starring in Streetcar Named Desire, there’s a Beat Up Carrot Top fundraiser at the Children’s Hospital..."

"I’ll kick his ass," Gene said.

"Me too!" Chuck chimed in.

"Forget Carrot Top..."

"I wish I could."

"Wait!" she shouted. "This must be it - ‘The Forest Lawn Bowling Championship - Professional and amateur bowlers compete at the famous actors’ cemetery using headstones as pins and Gary Coleman as the ball. Hosted by Robin Williams’!"

"We have to get to Forest Lawn fast!" Gene said.

"But we have to go by plane, train, and automobile, remember?" Chuck said. "How the hell are we going to get an airplane to take us across town? Or a train for that matter? We’re screwed."

Julia looked around. They were standing at the corner of Hollywood and Vine. Not far away was the entrance to the Red Line subway. She looked up and down the street. "Wait right here," she said as she trotted towards Babyland, its store windows filled with cribs, high chairs, and baby toys.

Gene and Chuck looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. Then they walked along the sidewalk searching for more stars. Before they could figure out who the hell William Frawley was, Julia came racing out of the store.

"Let’s go!" she shouted as she ran down the stairs into the subway station, the guys close at her heels. In the distance they could hear a man shouting, "Stop her! She’s a shoplifter!"

They ran up to the ticket booth. "Three! And make it fast!" Julia snapped as she shoved a ten-dollar bill at the woman. She grabbed the tickets and ran, the guys right behind her as the ticket seller called out to them that they had change coming.

"Keep it!" Julia shouted as they bounded down the stairs, making it to the platform just as the subway doors were starting to close. Gene grabbed one door and Chuck the other, the three of them squeezing through just as the doors slammed tight. They sat down, out of breath.

"We’re set," Julia said with a smile as the train slowly pulled away.

"We are?" Chuck asked. "What are we going to tell Robin Williams when he asks how we got there?"

Julia reached under her jacket and pulled out a toy that was supposed to hang over a baby’s crib. The guys looked at the strings that hung down, small stuffed cars dangling from the ends. Julia turned a knob and, as they leaned in close, they could hear a soft lullaby begin to play, the stuffed fishes slowly rotating in a circle.

"I don’t get it," Gene said.

Julia waved her hand, pointing out the simple, Spartan subway car they rode in. Then she held up the child’s toy so it dangled in front of their faces.

"It’s simple," she explained with a smile. "We’ll just tell him we took a plain train and an auto-mobile."

Continue on to the next chapter, following Julia's plotline...
Continue on to the next chapter, following the original storyline...