Chapter 19: Kenny G. Explains It All

He was naked - stark fucking naked. His Sideshow Bob-esque hair resonated in the light that came from...from...from...she couldn’t figure out where it came from. His clarinet, however, was missing.

"Let me play a hymn for ye," he said, in a God-like voice whatever the hell that is.

"Um, sure, ok, but you don’t have your clarinet," Jane said.

"That is ok, my child. I will play this," he said and produced a skin flute. He played a melody so fine that Jane could barely control her urges. She dropped to her knees and quivered. He finished his ode in about 30 seconds.

"How were you able to play something so, so wonderful?" Jane said.

"Are you doubting my powers?" Kenny G. asked.

"No."

"Do ye not know what the G. stands for?"

"I always thought it stood for Gayer than AIDS," one of the ninjas said instantly a pile of powder that looked like Fun Dip was where he stood.

"The G stands for God. I am the almighty," Kenny G. said.

"That explains the record sales," a ninja said.

"Yes, yes it does," Kenny G. said. "And, as I am the lordy lord lord you will not take me with you. I, however, will help you with ye fulfill your queen’s wishes. You will not take Michael Bolton, however, he is on Earth to punish humans. We will go on a quest to find someone else that will appease your queen."

And with that Kenny G.(od) brandished a short bus and Jane and the midget ninjas got on.

"No, you will drive," he said to Jane.

"Why won’t you drive?" she said.

"I’m going to rub out a new melody in the back seat," he said and walked to the back of the bus. He stopped before the last seat where he produced a hockey helmet with puffy dinosaur stickers and out it on the head of the midget ninja in front of him.

"Why do I have to wear this?"

"Because, every short bus has one person on it wearing a hockey helmet with puffy dinosaur stickers. Plus, I don’t want my song to hit you on the head." Jane got in the driver’s seat and started the bus. She drove without thinking, just following her instincts. The midgets started singing Hail to the Bus driver and Kenny G. rubbed one out in the back seat.

After a few hours, they were on the Jersey Turnpike. They stopped at the Molly Pitcher rest stop where the midget ninjas formed a line out the men’s restroom door all the way into Bob’s Big Boy, as they all needed to use the short-people urinal. After they finished, a few of them bought some porno mags, which they told Jane were a requisite for a road trip. She looked a Kenny G.(od), the final authority on everything; he nodded his head in agreement.

Jane stated the bus back up and the midget’s passed around their copy of "Yummy Mummy Asian Biker Chicks with Dicks." They drove south. When they got to Washington, DC, Kenny G. told her to pullover.

"There are plenty of good candidates here for you to take back to your queen," he said to the midgets.

They got off the bus and they walked to The Mall. At The Mall, thousands of hippies had congregated to protest, well, everything.

"Um, Kenny G.?" Jane said. "Why did you make hippies?"

"Someone had to support The Dead. Before we start looking for a person for the ninjas to take back, let’s do some tourist activities."

They walked around The Mall and stopped at the Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, Baio, Roosevelt, Vietnam, Grenada, and Korea memorials. They went to the Smithsonian and looked at J. Edgar Hoover’s inauguration gown.

"F this," Kenny G said. "Let’s get back on the road."

They got back on the bus and started driving again. They ended up in Kansas. As they were approaching a farm, Kenny G. told Jane to stop. They all got out of the car and knocked on the door, hoping the farmer would let them stay in the barn that night. The farmer answered, his daughter right behind him. She was the better side of 18, with blonde braids on both sides of her head, coming down to her shoulders. She was wearing overalls with no shirt, her areolas coming out on the side.

He listed to their request and said it was ok, but no messing around with his daughter. "’Specially you all ninjas," he added. "I ‘ben on that Internet and I know what you damn Japanese men do with yer women, bunch of sick fucks." He motioned for his daughter to lead them to the barn. She walked past her daddy and told the ninjas, Jane, and Kenny G to follow her.

Continue on to the next chapter, following Jane's plotline...
Continue on to the next chapter, following the original storyline...