Chapter 22: The Curse of Franken-Gene

Julia grinned, "Uhm, oh sure officer- say, aren’t you Mr. Sutkins, my second grade teacher?"

"Yes, I am. I see you got over the chicken pox quite well," he leered at her backside.

Gene suddenly grabbed Julia by the arm and pulled her through the doorway as Chuck kneed Mr. Sutkins in the belly. Sutkins crumpled into a heap and whimpered like Bill Clinton on a date with Janet Reno.

The three of them ran into the humid night. "In here!" Chuck yelled as he ducked into a dilapidated brassiere warehouse.

Julia leaned against a faded Jane Russell poster and said, "Boy, that was weird!"

Gene walked to Julia, got two feet from her face and said, "Let me show you weird!"

Nothing about once-Gene-Simmons-now-Gene-Hackman surprised Julia, but when she looked closer his face seemed to wiggle and ripple worse than Rosie O’Donnell’s butt on a rollercoaster. "Gene? What’s wrong with your—"

Gene’s face changed. Black fuzz sprouted from his ears, thick glasses appeared over his eyes and now-bushy eyebrows. He was no longer Gene Hackman, but Gene Shalit. "I give you a THUMBS DOWN!" Gene yelled.

Chuck could hardly believe his eyes – he blinked, hoping that he was mistaken. The hair in Gene’s ears was too real. Thinking quickly, Chuck found an old 18-hour bra and wrapped it around Gene’s face, temporarily blinding him.

Julia took off down the dark passageway with Chuck right behind her. They ran into a room filled with machinery. "Do you think Gene has the ringworm?" Chuck asked.

"I don’t know, but all that hair in his ears really scared me. Hold me, Chuck!"

He folded his arms around her, bringing her just a breath away. She put her head on his chest and wiped her nose on his shirt. He wondered if he could cop a feel of her bountiful breasts, but he changed his mind after he got a big whiff of her body odor. Whew. It burned his nostrils. For a moment, he wished that he had some of Gene Shalit’s ear hair in his nose.

Trying not to breathe, he pushed her back, "Uh (cough), why don’t we (gag), uh, try and find our way out of here?"

"I hear you Chuckie!" the Gene-Shalit-thing shrieked.

"It’s...he’s getting closer!" Julia said.

"Yeah why don’t you try and stink him to death with one of your loaded armpits, Jules?" he almost asked, but was distracted by a winking light across the room. "What’s that?"

They ran across the room and found several curved underwires on the floor. The Gene-Shalit-thing appeared in the doorway, except it was no longer Gene Shalit. The black fuzz turned red, the nose grew longer, and the eyeglasses melted into its face.

"Wha -- it’s...it’s...Gene Wilder!" Julia screamed.

"That’s Dr. Frahnk-n-steeen to you!" the Gene-Wilder-thing said in a nasal voice.

"But I thought you were Willy Wonka!" Chuck yelled as he made a cross with two underwires. "Get back!"

The Gene-Wilder-thing lunged at Julia and she felt its cold breath on her neck. Raising her arms to ward it off, the Gene-Wilder-thing got a whiff of her B.O. "Girl, you’re ripe."

Distracted by B.O., the Gene-Wilder-thing was easily knocked down. Julia and Chuck ran from the room. Deeper into the warehouse they fled, past the elastic room, through the padded cup room, and into the embroidery room. "So that’s where those little bows and flowers come from!" Chuck gaped.

"I hate it when you gape, stop it," Julia whined.

"You’re whining, love."

"What are we going to do? How can the Gene-Wilder-thing change like that?"

"I think it’s a Gene Shape Shifter. I read about it on the Internet once. Its tissue is unlike anything on this earth and can mimic all celebrities named Gene. Anyway, can I touch your boobie?" Chuck asked. There amongst the embroidery, Chuck started feeling frisky – bad B.O. or not.

"Are you crazy?" Julia gaped.

"You’re cute when you gape, soooo can I touch it? What if I just touch the side?"

Julia closed her eyes and tried to decide what to do. Inside her mind she yelled, "HELP!" but she was shocked into silence. The nerve of this guy! From a distance, they heard singing. It was a catchy tune about horses.

"It’s gone Gene Autry!" Julia hissed. "Quit thinking about my breasts and focus on how we can get out of here!"

"Uh, we can stroke, uh, I mean smoke him out!" Chuck murmured.

All of a sudden, Gene popped up from behind a triple-D mannequin. His crop of auburn hair flattened and lamb chop sideburns grew on his face. "Poor Nellie," it said, "Poor Nellie was on her honeymoon, and she spilled hot coffee on her new husband’s BLANK."

"Boobie?" Chuck offered.

Julia screamed, "Oh gawd noooo! It’s Gene Rayburn!"

"You win!" the Gene-Rayburn-thing clapped.

"This is a freak show! What do you want? What is happening? Where is Robin Williams? Aaahhhh!" Julia yelled.

The Gene-Rayburn-thing changed once again. It was a rather plain-looking gentleman that...danced. And danced…and danced. It was Gene-Gene-the-dancing-machine!

"B-b-b-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-n-g-g-g-g-g-g-g!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Chuck banged a gong.

The Gene-Gene-the-dancing-machine-thing quivered and then melted into a large puddle of goo that resembled something found in a septic tank.

"You did it!" Julia said, "it’s gone!"

The lights came on and Julia found herself on the Gong Show. ‘Chuck’ was none other than Chuck Barris. THE Chuck Barris.

"Can I touch your boobie now?" Chuck Barris asked.

But Julia didn’t hear because she fainted.

Continue on to the next chapter, following Julia's plotline...
Continue on to the next chapter, following the original storyline...