Chapter 24: Yaay, It's Nearly Over...Almost TOO Over!

Jane threw the scalpel in the farmer's direction, heard a scream, but didn't turn around. She grabbed the ersatz-Robin Williams by the hand and raced out of the barn. Her mind raced as she realized Gosen was dead, Robin Williams was really a Kentucky pipe fitter named Randy Birchorn, and that she was pretty much out of the loop, since she hadn't kept up on all the chapters like she should have.

"Ooh, you're touching my hand," gushed Randy-Robin. "That reminds me of the time I was in my mother's womb and..."

"Shut up!" Jane shouted. This was going to be a loooong day.

There was the farmer's truck, waiting outside as she expected. He wouldn't be needing it anymore, given his upcoming conversion to the Amish faith. That, and the fact that he was dead.

"Hey, monster trucks!" blurted Randy-Robin. "It looks like a..."

"Shut up!" shrieked Jane.

Randy-Robin started humming the Batman theme song as the two clambered into the truck. The turbo-charged engine roared to life as Jane turned the keys, which were conveniently left in the ignition.

"This is easy," said Jane to herself. "Almost TOO easy..."

Jane stomped her foot on the gas, and the unlikely pair raced away, unsure of where they were going.

###

Julia woke with a start and realized she was still in the brassiere warehouse. At first she hoped it was all a dream, until she saw Chuck Barris' fingerprints on her boobs.

"Filthy pervert," she hissed, as she stood up. Julia realized she was alone, but heard the sound of fighting in the distance. She crept toward the sound, looking for anything that would serve as a weapon. A two-foot section of steel pipe lay on the floor.

"Now that's convenient..." Julia thought, "...almost TOO convenient. What the hell does a bra warehouse need with a steel pipe?"

She came upon Chuck Barris and Gene Rayburn fighting with 2x4s, dueling like knights of old. Julia was reminded of the "Black Knight Scene" from Monty Python's Holy Grail, and would have laughed out loud if it hadn't been so pathetic.

Bonk! Thunk! The 2x4s smashed together repeatedly as the two aged and/or dead game show hosts fought for their lives.

"Big money no whammies big money no whammies, STOP!" shouted Barris as he landed a vicious blow to Rayburn's head, knocking it clean off his shoulders.

"That's Peter 'Press Your Luck' Tomarken's catch phrase!" shouted Rayburn's head as it flew through the air, before landing on a pile of push-up brassieres, making his head look much bigger and younger than it really was. Rayburn's body crumpled to the floor and burst into flames.

As Barris stood over the flaming corpse and laughed evilly (almost TOO evilly), Julia snuck up behind Barris and whacked him on the head with the pipe. Barris fell on top of Rayburn's corpse and burst into flames himself.

"That takes care of that character development," chuckled Julia, as she dusted her hands off on her pants. She looked around to get her bearings and to find her way out. Even after all that had happened to her, she still had to find Robin Williams and get him to sign the Mork and Mindy Reunion Party contract.

Julia snapped her head around at the screeching of tires outside the warehouse.

###

Jane and Randy-Robin raced along in near silence, punctuated only by Jane's occasional "shut ups" whenever Randy-Robin tried to expound upon how radio knobs were just like nipples. Country scenery was slowly replaced by tract housing.

They finally had a destination, based on a Post-It Note stuck to the truck's steering wheel. Jane figured the farmer was the forgetful kind, because he had notes to himself stuck all over the place, reminding him to change the oil every 3,000 miles, to turn off the 4-wheel drive on city streets, and to remove Post-It Notes from the windshield because they made it hard to see.

"Dilapidated brassiere warehouse on corner of Ashe and Canyon streets - enter through heavy sagging door."

Luckily Randy-Robin had been there before on a pipe fitting job, so he was giving directions.

"Take a right turn up here. Ooh, right like the Republicans. George Dubya Bush, one in the hand is definitely not better than two in the..."

"Shut up!" Jane shouted. If he kept this up, she was going to push Randy-Robin out of the truck. "Wow, the road to -- SPLAT!" Jane chuckled at her little fantasy.

"Go up three blocks, and hang a left," said Randy-Robin. "Heh heh, hang like a bear in a Johnny Holmes film."

"Christ, I hope this is all a bad dream," thought Jane. "I just better not wake up to freakin' Bob Newhart."

"Here it is!" shouted Randy-Robin. Jane screeched the tires as she slammed on the brakes, sending Randy-Robin flying into the dashboard.

A distinct snapping sound could be heard from inside the warehouse.

###

Julia ran to the nearest door, a thickly-built oak door that was being pulled off its hinges by years of gravity, poor frame support, and serious overuse. She pushed on the door with all her might, but it wouldn't budge.

###

"Ow, my nose. I look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with a bad coke habit," mumbled the Randy-Robin before lapsing into unconsciousness.

Jane ran to the door, and pushed as hard as she could, but it wouldn't move. She grabbed the door knob and pulled.

###

Julia pulled on the doorknob and thought she felt the door move slightly, but then it quickly pulled back into place, so she pushed on it, in case that would work this time.

###

You see where this is going, don't you?

###

Jane heard the blood rushing in her ears as she pushed on the door. Finally in exasperation, she shouted, "Why won't this blasted door open?!"

###

"Because you keep pulling it shut!" yelled Julia. "Who's out there?!"

"It's Jane. Who's in there?"

"Julia. Now let go of the freakin' door!" The door flew inward and Julia landed on her ass, knocking the wind out of her. She waved her hand in front of her nose at the smell.

Jane ran inside and helped Julia to her feet.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"I'm Julia Jingleheimerschmidt."

"Hey, that's my name too!"

"What?"

"Never mind. What are you doing here?"

"I'm a high-end party planner, trying to sew up a big deal with Robin Williams. I've been all over this damn country with some pop culture shape-shifter named Gene, and fending off boob-grabs from Chuck Barris."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Jane McCaffrey. I've been searching for a man named Gosen, who I thought I killed a few days ago, but I can't be sure. I've been racing around in all of the odd-numbered chapters, trying to figure out if he's dead or not. The only clue that I can find is that Jim Gosen isn't a real person at all, he's really..."

"Paul the Mystery Airline Upgrade," interrupted a voice behind them.

Jane and Julia whirled to see Julia's lover from Chapter 4 and Jane's district manager from Chapter 1.

"Paul?" Julia whispered.

"Gosen," hissed Jane.

Paul's/Gosen's appearance surprised everyone, especially the guy who wrote the Chapter 13 Story Recap. Paul laughed mockingly...almost TOO mockingly.

On to the stunning conclusion...