Chapter 9: You Lost Me at Hello

"Father?" Jane questioned -- and for good reason.

"Sweetie, let me explain," Paulson said. And that's not surprising, because that was what he always said. When he was caught smuggling funds, he said that. When he was found with matches and a bucket of gasoline, he said that. In fact, he even said that when he broke mom's favorite vase, and mom always said, "Don't play ball in the house..."

But Father Paulson didn't listen. It was tough enough being an ex-priest, but to be Jane's father was truly a full-time job, which is why Jane always referred to him as "Father Paulson."

Jane was really entranced by this man during dinner, and now she found herself in a situation much like Oedipus, but reverse... and many years later... and not in Greece. "It's just like Oedipus!" Jane exclaimed.

But the reference was lost, as no one really knew what it meant, not even cousin Vasilios -- and he knew everything! However, the fact that Cousin Vasilios was in the room was more shocking than the fact that he missed an important reference. Apparently, he was in on the whole scheme with Paulson, who was now shaking, either because of nerves or because of the ice cream that was shoved down his pants by some random passerby who thought it was in good humor.

Paulson gained his composure after a few minutes of staring at the ceiling and whistling Dixie, and he put out his hand so that his daughter could shake it. And she did shake it, in fact, without any hesitation. But this was his other daughter, Gertrude, that accepted the gesture. Jane remained with her hands tucked into her pockets, absolutely stunned at the developments that were taking place, and the fact that three of her relatives were involved.

Gertrude, who was known to the general population as "Plato" for unknown reasons, was always the voice of logic at family get-togethers, reunions and softball games. She put her hands in the air to make sure people knew she was about to make a statement, and then a statement -- as would be expected -- came out of her mouth.

"It's like this, Jane," Gertrude said. "We don't trust you at all, with anything, and this whole credit card thing proves it."

Jane wanted to interrupt. She wanted to talk about her big plans, her gun, everything. But instead she let Gertrude continue.

"So that's why Vasilios came," Gertrude said. "And that's why our father said an 'Our Father' and decided to take you to dinner and become a possible romantic interest. It's really quite simple."

Jane paused for a second. "I think I missed a step here," she said, tripping down the stairs as she descended into the basement.

The next few hours were a giant blur. Jane's fall caused her to bang her head against a hard floor that was recently waxed by Vasilios at the start of the day. At first, Gertrude blamed her cousin, but then she decided that it was her sister's fault for going down the basement in the first place.

"Ain't nothing but bats down there...and cold pasta," Gertrude said.

By the time Jane woke up, the restaurant was closed, and the only person remaining was Vasilios, who somehow convinced everyone else to leave amid all of the confusion. Before Jane announced that she seemed to be feeling fine -- relatively, at least -- she began to think about all of the good times with Vasilios, like when they read "Oedipus Rex" together, and when they found worms underneath rocks in the backyard. They named each of the worms after their favorite United States Presidents, with two of them being named Roosevelt and the other named Rutherford. It was that day in the backyard that made Jane so cold to others, which eventually led to her being single and the least popular person in the office. She didn't even fill out a bracket for the office NCAA pool.

It wasn't just the worms that made her cold; that's not enough. But that day Vasilios told her that she needed to be mean to get by, that she needed to care about herself ten times more than everyone else combined. He said, "If there's a time when you feel murder is necessary, then by all means go for it. Just watch your step."

Jane never thought about this as the start to her lack of personality until she had awoken from the head wound, and now she was glad that she had hit her head. But, on the other hand, she was mad at Vasilios...and Father Paulson...and her sister, Gertrude. So much was still left unresolved, and on top of it all, there's the whole Gosen situation. It was enough to drive anyone nuts, so Jane did the only think she thought possible...

Continue on to the next chapter, following Jane's plotline...
Continue on to the next chapter, following the original storyline...