Inside the Hillary Clinton Emails…

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Today the State Department is expected to release the first of a weekly rollercoaster of fun, that is assuming that you consider combing through 55,000 of Hillary Clinton’s emails from her tenure as Secretary of State as “fun.”

We don’t, but there will no doubt be tons of news busy-bodies tasked with scouring these pages for any juicy tidbits they can find about the presidential nominee, so in the sake of saving the rest of us a ton of time that could be spent doing literally anything more interesting, we’ve put together a quick summary of what you’re likely to find should you choose to dive into the virtual treasure trove that is browsing Hillary Clinton’s inbox…

• 49,127 spam emails of absolutely no consequence whatsoever
• Indisputable proof that Bangoozi Bonglazy Benghazi is really hard to spell
• Confirmation with the CEO of AdultFriendFinder.com – for the 400th time – that no, Bill isn’t allowed to have an account there
• Reminder about Class of ’65 high school reunion that she still hasn’t responded to
• Scandalous evidence suggesting that Chelsea changed her wedding colors no less than 14 times prior to her big day
• An exhaustive analysis from 27 staffers about why they’re really getting sick of lunch from Chipotle every. single. goddamn. day.
• Something about John Boehner being just the biggest douche nozzle she’s ever had to work with
• The most heinous thing that Fox News has ever seen – enough to warrant a special graphic and hourly updates until they’re able to dig up/make up/misunderstand up something even more heinous and terrifying to conservative male viewers ages 72+