You did it! Congratulations on moving into your new multi-dwelling property development, featuring the best in community living coupled with waterfront views of the finest drainage ditches the area has to offer!
In order to make your stay a more enjoyable one, we’ve put together a few helpful tips to help you get more acquainted with the helpful atmosphere that you can come to expect here Monday – Friday between our normal office hours of 9:00am and 4:30pm. We’re here to serve you until we hopefully get bought out to get converted into luxury condominiums, so enjoy yourself and try not to spill wine or grape juice or lukewarm tap water on the carpet, any of which will totally forfeit your security deposit…
- Rent is due on the 1st of the month and is not payable in smiles, grapes, or a collection of pictures from your trip to the Grand Canyon.
- Anyone is free to use the community pool as long as they live here and know not to pee in it and don’t have body hair similar to that of the North American Brown Bear. No offense to bears or anything, but the hair totally clogs up the filter…
- Residents are encouraged to acknowledge their neighbors by not making eye contact and walking quickly in the other direction whenever they meet.
- We’re happy to offer a wide variety of amenities to our residents, most of which are used by teenagers as places to smoke marijuana after school.
- Though security here is really top notch, consider leaving a radio or small TV on while you’re away. This won’t help to deter potential burglars, but at least it will give them something nice to listen to while they’re busy looting your new place.
- At least you don’t have to mow the grass here … unless your name is Fernando, in which case get off the Internet and get back to work, Fernando!
- Keep in mind that your neighbors can often times hear you through the walls and ceiling … every sweet, sensual groan, moan, and scream … so it’s important to remember that you’re not just fucking for two anymore.
- And lastly, please note that the trash compactor at the entrance to our community is for ornamental purposes only. All garbage and recycling should be burned in the barrels located behind your unit – fingerless gloves are available at the main office for a nominal charge.