Just Laugh’s Guide to National Unfriend Day

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As declared circa 2014 by the prophet Sir Jimmy Kimmel as the annual event to rid one’s friend list on Facebook from the riff-raff and the troublemakers who leave us incensed with their unsavvy social networking techniques such as ramblings on about politics or their children or their lunches or pretty much anything, it is today that is National Unfriend Day in the year 2015 and as such, Just Laugh has assembled these tips to help make this day festive and productive for you and your latest unfriendings…

• It’s a good practice to remove at least 10% of your Facebook friends each year just to keep the others on their toes. If you’re the kind of person with upwards of 1,000 friends, up that number to a solid 20% for best results.
• Don’t beat around the bush or say that “You still want to hang out sometime…” while you’re pushing the button – quick, passive-aggressive unfriendings without explanation are really the best for everyone in the long run.
• For those friends who claim that they rarely use Facebook yet in reality they stalk you incessantly and just never post anything themselves, let those creepers stay and hold onto your best unfriendings for the ones who really deserve it.
• While passive-aggressive tactics are preferred in general online, it never hurts to get in one last jab before you delete somebody from your life essentially forever – tell them what you really think about their ugly baby or their ugly dog or whatever ugliness in their life you feel like singling out!
• Chances are if they haven’t shown up at your door in the middle of the night about anything you’ve said yet, they’re probably never going to, and do you really want Internet friends like that with no sense of furious drive in their lives???
• I mean, sure, his lunch postings may look incredible and he may have the political prowess of a constitutional savant, but your nephew is only twelve years old. Adults shouldn’t be friends with kids on Facebook – it’s just weird. Stop it.
• If you’ve found yourself saying, “Fuck Uncle Larry and his bigoted ideals!” more than you ever say, “Man, I’d really like to catch up with Uncle Larry and see how he’s doing lately – I know that he’s had a real hard time battling cancer and all, and I’m genuinely concerned for his well-being…” it’s time to unfriend Uncle Larry.
• And lastly, don’t even bother trying any of these techniques on LinkedIn – once you sign up there, you’re stuck until the end of time.