Star Warz Spoilers!!! (or not)

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It’s true that everyone has been waiting for this week more than the return of Santa Claus and Jesus Christ combined, and now only a few days away we’ll all be basking in the glow of light sabers and savoring every last pew-pew that will make our ears ring worse than the loudest of Salvation Army bell ringers!

That is, assuming that nobody manages to spoil all of the fun that Star Wars: Episode VII has to offer before our butts even land in one of those coveted, hot buttered theater seats. So to help counteract all of those awful, good-for-nothing bad spoilers, here are a few great spoilers that are almost 110% guaranteed to not be in this latest chapter from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

• The movie opens with a well-deserved, 20-minute introductory lecture from George Lucas regarding how Star Wars fans ruined Star Wars for him by bitching incessantly about Star Wars on the Internet for the last 15 years.
• Jar-Jar Binks returns! But this time he’s got kids – 101 of them, to be exact – and they’re constantly being pursued by a Sith Lord who wants to make them into a rather tacky, Gungan coat.
• Luke Skywalker is revealed to actually be part octopus, followed immediately by a comical scene where his dad repeatedly cuts off all of his limbs just to have them instantly grow back to a slapstick soundtrack.
• Harrison Ford looks really old, but nobody says anything about it because he’s Han Fucking Solo.
• The Death Star, Mark III makes a brief cameo appearance, but is quickly dispatched by a rogue flock of space geese because those empire contractors still haven’t learned a damn thing about improving structural weaknesses…
• Chewie and Han share an extended scene at the old Cantina where they wax poetic about beating their record of making the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, only to be told that it had been shattered by younger, more well-groomed space pilots years ago.
• Light sabers for everyone! And there will be orange ones, and pink ones, and purple ones…
• End credits scene featuring our heroes going out for shwarma, only to find that The Avengers beat them to the last table.