Just Laugh’s Predictions for 2016

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It’s here!

…although anyone who has to be told that admittedly probably isn’t conscious yet…

A new year means a fresh start, a clean slate, 365 brand new days to finally turn your life around and move out of your parents’ basement like you’ve been saying you were going to do for the last three years of part-time enrollment at your local community college. Anything could happen, and to prove the emphasis on that anything, here are a few random ideas that I scribbled together myself last night on half a bottle of sangria that very well could happen in 2016 … who knows?!

• Pretty much every public space imaginable will ban those stupid “hoverboards” that don’t even hover that everybody got for Christmas on account of, well, duh. Seriously, how did you spend $400 on one of those things and not think that was going to happen, like, immediately?!
• President Obama still won’t come for your guns. Or maybe he will … isn’t government scary???
• My child will officially cross the threshold into the realm that is universally referred to as The Terrible Twos. I can pretty much guarantee that this won’t be the last you’ll hear about it.
• The new Star Wars movie will be absolutely amaz- … oh wait, that came out last year, didn’t it? So I don’t really get out to movies much these days – was it any good? The trailers did look pretty sweet.
• 2016 probably won’t be awesome if you happen to be a polar bear … not that the last couple of years have really been great, either.
• Donald Trump will get elected president, which is both terrible and horrible and something that America totally deserves at this point if you stop and think about it for even a second. On the upside, it’ll be great singing a continuous ballad of I Told You So…’s to your Republican uncle for the next four years…
• Apple will release the iPhone 7, which will be both bigger and smaller than the iPhone 6S, and it will change everything … again again … and people will line up around the block to give them $649 for it because you don’t get to be a $700 billion company by not charging every man, woman, and child on Earth $649 at least once a year.
• And lastly, the hate for New Year’s Eve by the guy who has to clean up all of that confetti in Times Square will grow a bit stronger, just as it has the year before, and the one before that, and so on since the dawn of time when man first felt the need to drop big, shiny things out of the sky to celebrate buying a new calendar each year…