Congratulations for accepting your new position as a Free Range Faculty Member at Eugene Stoner Junior High School, where we’re proud of our B+ rating with the State Board of Education and even more proud of being named a 5-Star Locked and Loaded Campus by the National Rifle Association!
Here at ESJHS, we pride ourselves in the level of dedication that our teachers make to the safety and education of our students, and we’re looking forward to a crisis-free school year that will allow the majority of our staff to sleep at night unmedicated.
A bit of formal business…
- We’re excited to announce a new AR-15: Shoot, Educate, Survive weapons package from our defense partners at ArmaLite that includes a lightweight and classroom ready, semi-automatic rifle, premium leather sport strap embroidered with our school logo, and limited edition polishing kit for only $1,199. Orders placed in the next two weeks will also receive a free 8″ carbon steel hunting knife – perfect for hand-to-hand combat! Payroll deduct forms are available in the teacher’s lounge.
- Please take some time to familiarize yourself with the new defense protocols which have been installed in your classroom over the summer. We’re happy that last year’s PTA was able to raise enough funds to add laser tripwires to all of our halls which will trigger a high-pitched alert in classrooms at the slightest disruption. Additionally, in the event of an interior breach, your desk can be converted into a sniper’s nest in 15 easy steps – Mr. Stephens has posted a walkthrough video on LearnNet that you’ll want to watch!
- ESJHS is pleased to announce that Ashley Hall and Riley Davis are our latest Faculty Sharpshooters, having completed the prerequisite 300 hours of training and intrusion drills over their summer break. Way to duck and cover, girls!
- A newsletter will be going out to parents to announce the new grenade bar that has been added to the cafeteria lunch line where students will be able to choose from a selection of explosive charges in popular colors. These are going to be a big hit for helping to keep our playground perimeter secure, so as we say each morning here at ESJHS – “Be ready for anything!”
- And finally, as you are well aware, our supplies have once again run critically low, so please be sure to remind students that the priority items on their school supply list continue to be the recommended 4 boxes of Remington .223 steel case ammunition (20 count) – both Short Range and Distance Plus varieties are needed.
- Note: Tissues, #2 pencils, copy paper, and sympathy cards may be purchased in bulk with your own funds from the nearby Super Target, however please remember that these items will no longer be tax deductible in 2018.
- Teachers In-Service Days this year will be focused around battlefield tactics and small arms management, so put away those study guides and wear comfortable shoes as we’re going to be transforming our school into some really creative active shooter scenarios that will leave you having night sweats and career regrets the rest of your 4-day week!
Have a great year, teachers – shoot to learn!
– Principal Gary J. “Machine Gun” Meyers