Internet Summer Maintenance Schedule Announced
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Ca. (Just Laugh) – Earlier this morning, senior executives of The Internet held a private news conference to announce the upcoming summer maintenance schedule and address any immediate concerns. Although the information revealed was disheartening to many in the audience, it was common knowledge that there wasn’t a damn thing they could do about it…
“We’ve got some big plans for the near future,” Internet President and CEO Al Gore began, “but the enormous scale of our modifications simply can’t be portrayed accurately without disturbing the lives of millions of individuals, both public and private. Everything has its price, but trust me when I tell you that this price will certainly be worth the wait.”
The conference continued to discuss various multimedia features which will be included in the next version of The Internet, ranging from “click and smell surfing” to a new and sophisticated, completely user-generated 3d realm in which users can interact with one another and create online “relationships” or sit alone in a realistic, computer-generated basement exploring a computer-generated version of The Internet. Questions relating this particular new feature to the unsuccessful VRML format of the late ’90s were skillfully avoided.
Attempting to discover some of the more business-oriented updates to sweep Silicon Valley led to the discouraging response, “Although many requests have been made for improvements to The Internet that are actually both useful and meaningful to society as a whole, we just can’t see such upgrades being implemented any time in the near future,” Chief Developmental Officer William Jameson reported. “Our previous market research has explicitly proven that the majority of our users have no desire to experience these types of features, which allows us to focus on entertainment-based methods of taking their money, including online casinos, sporting events, and even interactive pay-per-screw brothels, for adults only of course! We’re not quite sure on the interface for the last one yet, but we’re definitely well on our way to figuring this one out…”
Finally, representatives from The Internet answered the one question everyone had – when and how long will we be affected by these updates? “Even though we’d like to say that the average user won’t be affected at all,” Chief Online Technical Support Assistant Gregory Labine explained, “it would be a total lie and I’m trying to steer away from that. The truth is that The Internet will be down and completely unavailable to anyone and everyone, with the exception of Bill Gates, for random periods throughout normal business hours this summer. It might be down for just a few minutes while you’re hurrying to check your e-mail during your lunch break, or it could be down for the entire day, forcing you to handwrite all of those purchase orders yourself! We’re not really concerned about the whole thing because pretty much everyone just uses The Internet to look at pornography, which they shouldn’t be doing at work anyways. If anything, these outages should HELP productivity in the workplace…”
“Besides, what the hell are they going to do about it, anyways?” CEO Gore joked. “Call tech support?!?!? That’s a good one…” The conference soon wrapped up as it became clear that the laughter among The Internet employees wasn’t going to settle down any time soon.
Rolling online blackouts and periods of no service are expected to begin as soon as early July, so users are encouraged to ‘Go outside, you pasty-faced geek’ until services resume. Severe losses in adult entertainment sections and a considerable increase in the sale of suntan lotion and deodorant are predicted. Residents are being asked to avoid interacting with affected victims until they are able to get used to sunlight again…
