89.5% of Americans Return to Not Being Even Remotely Irish

Tweet

AMERICA (Just Laugh) – After proudly celebrating the rich, Irish heritage that none of them actually had with a seemingly endless stream of Irish Car Bombs, Shamrock Juice, and entirely too much green beer for St. Patrick’s Day, nearly 90% of Americans today returned to not being even remotely Irish again for another year.

Reported chants of “Woo!!! Luck of the Irish, bitches…” have since devolved into unrecognizable groaning as millions of hungover Americans not even remotely of Irish descent called in to work sick or otherwise incapacitated due to their overwhelming expression of non-existent Celtic pride.

Despite most non-Irish celebrants making complete fools of themselves and/or requiring the assistance of actual Irish people to walk straight at the end of the night, polls show that Americans wasted on cheap, green beer overall deemed this year’s St. Patrick’s Day festivities to be a rousing success and eagerly await being able to proudly represent the heritage that they don’t even come close to having in pretty much exactly same dangerously intoxicated manner next year.