Girl Scout Cookies Responsible for 78% of Cookie Monster-Related Fatalities

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SESAME STREET (Just Laugh) – Though Thin Mints and Samoas have been known to bring forth some of the happiest feelings that mankind is capable of experiencing here on this Earth, it’s during this time when we find Girl Scout Cookie season in full swing that officials warn the public of the inherent dangers associated with these delectable treats.

One particular danger stands out above all the rest, and he’s blue and furry, and though he probably didn’t mean any harm, people need to know that standing between the infamous Cookie Monster and any of the Girl Scouts growing variety of tasty treats can mean a death sentence as far as cookie-related incidents go.

“Look,” explained Girl Scouts Chief Executive Anna Maria Chávez, “don’t get me wrong – we all love the Cookie Monster. We all grew up learning with him on Sesame Street, and I even had a doll of him that I used to carry around with me as a little girl everywhere I went.”

“We just want people to understand that Girl Scout Cookies don’t kill people,” Chávez continued.  “Monsters who go absolutely batshit crazy at the first sight of cookies and don’t know when to quit, unfortunately, sometimes kill people.”

“But aside from his sugar-induced rampages, Cookie Monster is a great guy – in fact, he’s by far our biggest customer. We just want everyone to remember as millions of boxes of Girl Scout Cookies are distributed in the weeks to come that if you happen to come across Cookie Monster out on the streets when you’ve got our cookies on your person…”

“…hell, even if you’re out but maybe you’ve still got the smell of a handful of Tagalongs left on your breath, the appropriate response is to just give Cookie Monster the cookies, and then run like hell.”

“A box of Girl Scout Cookies isn’t worth your life,” Chávez expressed with sincere compassion. “At least not yet it isn’t…”