WASHINGTON (Just Laugh) – In the wake of last week’s slaughterhouse Republican presidential debate hosted by CNBC that battered the 10 candidates for a scathing two hours that left the likes of Donald Trump, Ben Carson, and the others irreparably scarred by such questions as “Why should we hire you?” and “What makes you think your plan will work?”, the candidates have since expressed their displeasure for the debate format as they experienced and in turn have offered forth a list of demands to ensure that future debates are much more calm and welcoming, akin to their own mothers’ wombs when they were only first birthed into the world of fame and politics that they know today.
“For starters,” cited Texas senator Ted Cruz, “two hours is a really long time and my belly got all rumbly halfway through. I’m just saying that a light snack – maybe a small plate of warm cookies and a glass of milk – would’ve helped to keep me and my fellow patriots going strong. And maybe a short nap afterwards, too.”
“I for one didn’t like how mean-toned the moderators spoke to us,” responded Dr. Ben Carson. “You know, as my old Mammy used to say, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, which is why I’d like to see some of our nation’s finest kindergarten teachers take to the stage to ask us questions at the next debate, using only low, soothing voices much like mine that will likely put the audience to sleep…”
“You wanna know what *I* hated?!” shouted a boisterous Donald Trump two candidates before he was asked. “All of these gosh-darned gotcha questions – they don’t ask Hillary or what’s-his-face those things! In my kind of debate – a debate for winners – every question would have simple, short answers … true or false, multiple choice … and if we have to flip through the book to look one up here or there, what’s the big deal?! We’re not on trial here – we just want to be President!”
Further feedback from the disheartened candidates suggested that the audience at future debates consist only of their peers to ensure that they’re surrounded by the lobbyists, campaign donors, and media puppets who the candidates all know really love and care about them the most. It has also been suggested that the debates themselves may or may not actually be televised at all, instead relying on each candidate’s press releases afterwards to disseminate the results so as to not put any undue pressure on the politicians as they compete for the office of leader of the free world.