NEW YORK CITY (Just Laugh) – With only 28 days left until Election Day after a haplessly bold defense of not only his recent “locker room commentary” suggesting implications of sexual assault, but also a distinct lack of sympathy for Muslim Americans, displaced refugees, veterans of war, people of color, the less fortunate, immigrants, people who he used to think were great, and even his own running mate, Donald Trump is reported to be facing the biggest nightmare of his campaign – having completely run out of American voters to offend.
“What kind of idiot is running this campaign, anyways?!” Trump spouted as he poured over his Twitter feed in vain, searching for someone – anyone – who deserved a few unprovoked jabs at 3:20am to help him pass the time until that famed day in November when he won’t be elected President of the United States.
“God, Rosie O’Donnell is such a whore…” Trump mumbled before quickly being corrected by his staff that he’d in fact already addressed O’Donnell several times just earlier that afternoon.
“I know, she’s just … ugh…” the grumpy seagull mused as his team of advisors sat shaking their heads, fearful to do any actual advising because, you know, why start now?
“How about children?! They’re always so loud and rambunctious, and their gigantic hands are so sticky!” the Donald began to rave before being momentarily cut off by campaign manager Kellyanne Conway.
“Children can’t vote, Sir…”
“…but my god, Rosie is just so-” Trump quickly interjected, incessantly furthering his unhealthy, borderline manic obsession with the Emmy Award-winning comedian, actress, and television host.
“Donald, no – let’s try to stay focused…”
Sweating bullets as they hastily assembled a list of potential punching bags while the dismal candidate continued to grumble about the scores of individuals and organizations and racial stereotypes and food groups that he’s already erupted upon, the Trump campaign winced upon the realization that their candidate’s namesake insults may have left him without enough stamina to actually finish out the campaign trail in the manner in which America would’ve expected…
The few remaining targets for Trump’s insulting rhetoric included:
- Winners who have lost even just once.
- Billionaires whose names don’t rhyme with Fronald Rump.
- White, blue collar workers who are so blinded by their hate for Hillary Clinton that they can’t even recognize the devil flashing his disgusting, red wiener in front of them tauntingly while wearing a hideous baseball cap.
- Rosie O’Donnell (added solely at Trump’s relentless insistence)
“I just can’t believe that you guys let me blow my entire hate wad too early,” Trump charged, raising his tiny fist in the air while the group scrambled to verify that their latest paychecks from the Trump organization had in fact cleared.
“You people are the absolute worst campaign staff I’ve ever seen – keep this up and the only job you’ll land after I fire you is working for Rosie O’Donnell, and if you haven’t heard, let me tell you that she’s just absolutely…”