Humor Blog Highlights

Superhero Sex

Dear Savannah,

Is it unusually kinky to wear an empty ice cream bucket on your head during lovemaking?

My girlfriend thinks so.  The way I see it, it’s pretty harmless.

I took a 5-quart ice cream bucket, scrubbed it thoroughly, then cut out eye holes and painted on a pleasant-looking face.  When I put this mask on, I transform myself into a superhero: Quiescently Frozen Confection Man, fighting to rid the world of selfish lovers and improve sexual techniques everywhere.

Quiescently Frozen Confection Man is mild-mannered by day, but when he dons his superhero outfit, he becomes a suave ladies man, who’ll stop at nothing to please his woman in bed.  He vigilantly stamps out boring lovemaking wherever he finds it and lectures wrongdoers about improving their skills.

I think it might be this lecturing part that my girlfriend objects to.  Hey, I’m just trying to help her be a better sex kitten, you know?

Another problem, according to my girlfriend, is Quiescently Frozen Confection Man’s habit of peeking into people’s windows to observe their lovemaking techniques and, if necessary, burst into their bedrooms to offer advice and assistance.  My girlfriend seems to think I’m going to get arrested for this, but the fact is, QFCM’s super power (“Brain Freeze” – the ability to temporarily, but painfully, halt all cognitive processes in mere
mortals) will save him from those evil forces who would try to stop him from accomplishing his mission.

We’ve been dating for about three years now, but my girlfriend’s increasing lack of tolerance for QFCM is starting to drive a wedge between us.  How can I get her to understand that being Quiescently Frozen Confection Man is not a choice I’ve made but a responsibility that’s been thrust upon me?

In the spirit of romance,

Quiescently Frozen Confection Man
Somewhere in the Big, Dark City

 

Savannah Says:

I’ve never met a woman who didn’t like ice cream.  It’s positively perplexing to me that any such creature could exist.  My personal favorite is Chocolate Mousse Royale by Baskin Robbins, but in a pinch any flavor or brand will do.  Butter pecan, French vanilla, Rocky Road, Margarita Chiquita and Strawberry Daiquiri Cream (which we mix up in small batches here at the ranch) – they’re all good.

So, I would think the combination of love, sex, and ice cream would be most women’s idea of heaven.  Your girlfriend must be a real kook!

One thing I’m wondering, though, is how you manage to keep the ice cream from melting all over.  And, doesn’t it freeze your head?

I can see a couple of way of resolving your problem.  First of all, you need to open the lines of communication with your girlfriend.  Obviously, you’re not choosing ice cream flavors she likes.  Once you can get her to open up a little, talk about what she likes and doesn’t like, then you can accommodate her desires and fantasies.  It can be difficult to talk about such intimate things, but your loving persistence will pay off in the end.

Secondly, the cleanup must be a nightmare.  Be sure you’re a considerate lover in this respect.  Keep plenty of large bath towels on hand to mop up the mess – during and after.  I mean, five quarts is quite a volume.  Don’t be chauvinistic and think your girlfriend’s job is to clean up all that goo.  Laying down a drop cloth or spreading out old newspapers could be seen as a thoughtful gesture on your part.

If you have pets, you could always invite the dog up onto the bed when your girlfriend’s not looking (say, when you’re in the cuddling phase) and let him take care of cleaning up the mess.  Just be careful where he puts his nose.

On the whole, however, my advice is to dump this woman.  She sure doesn’t sou nd like much fun.  You’ll be a lot happier with someone who understands your love of ice cream.  And I do mean “love.”

Good luck, dear!

© 2000-2002 Elizabeth Hanes
 

About Savannah Lawless (16 Posts from 2001 - 2002)
Resident advice expert Savannah Lawless shares her wit and wisdom from eight marriages to five men and countless failed relationships coupled with a near-total lack of sobriety...