Humor Blog Highlights

Halloween is a Time for Giving…

Ah, the great season of fall!  The leaves that once covered the massive trees that surround our homes have turned the most magnificent shades and fallen to the ground, the song birds and woodland creatures which once frolicked among us during the summer have now changed their tunes and are preparing themselves for another winter, and most importantly, all of the neighborhood children are gearing up for possibly one of the biggest nights in their adolescent lives:Halloween, when they will succumb to the most basic animal needs inside, as best described by the great Jerry Seinfeld: GET CANDY, GET CANDY, GET CANDY!!!

Also, if you’re from my neck of the woods, you’re also preparing yourselves for a six-to-eight month period of what we Michiganders like to refer to as freezing our asses off, but that’s another story…

I’d like to now explain to you the true origin of Halloween.  On the other hand, I’d also like to get to bed at a decent hour tonight, so instead of wasting valuable sleeping time actually researching and learning about this great holiday, I think it would be more beneficial for us all if I just made up a neat story about how Halloween came to be the sugar-addicting dentist’s heaven that it is today.  Don’t tell me that they all don’t secretly fantasize about it every year, either!  My dentist used to give away the most amazing caramel apples, just caked with chocolate and nuts and everything else that it takes to get an eight year-old to eat an apple.  His wife would sit on the porch in one of her fur coats, just laughing like mad as she handed them out…

Anyways, the entire concept of Halloween started many, many years ago by an evil, old witch with three crooked teeth and a bad attitude towards children.  Her name was Gloria.Gloria’s house was a very popular place for the children to congregate after school because it was made out of gingerbread.  The kids would come there to eat candy, play ball, chase each other, eat candy, have water balloon fights, eat candy, and generally enjoy their youth (sometimes while eating candy…), but Gloria always despised the children because they were too loud, they would never go home when they were told and they basically lowered the overall property value of her fine estate.  She knew that something had to be done…

Pretty good so far, eh?  I thought so, too!  Sorry about the interruption, but I’ve found that it always helps to get the audience’s general opinion of your work early on – it makes for a better piece in the end.  Anyways, back to the story…

Gloria devised an evil plan to finally rid herself of all the wretched children that bothered her every day.  She discretely gathered the materials that she would need, then waited until Halloweeen, I mean, a very special night which would go down in history!  Coincidentally, that night came and a full moon just happened to be out.  It made for a great ambiance, if you were lucky enough to be around that evening…

Did I mention that Gloria was a witch?  I thought that it was pretty obvious by now, what with the black hat, cauldron and the fact that she flies around on a broom, but there’s always that one guy you’ve gotta point everything out to…

Gloria looked out her front window and saw the children playing gleefully in her front yard.  She knew that it was time.  Hurrying into the bathroom, Gloria rushed to prepare her costume that was sure to win her all the privacy she could ever want!  After what seemed like hours of carefully applying makeup and such, she quietly tip-toed out to her porch where the kids would meet their match.  When the moment was just right, she flipped on the porch light and revealed her plan to the world…

It just doesn’t get any more exciting than this, does it?  What’s that?  Stop interrupting, you blooming idiot…  Sorry.

The children stood in terror as they gazed upon Gloria (the Witch), who now sat huddled over a large black cauldron in the middle of her porch.  Her hand was extended towards the nearest of the children, waving a king-size Milky Way in the young one’s face.  By the way, did I mention that Gloria was wearing a big red nose, humongous shoes and the goofiest clown costume anyone had ever seen?  She really did look quite ridiculous, but luckily the children bought it!Gloria agreed to give the children all the candy they could eat in one night, as long as they would stay off her property and leave her the hell alone for the other 364 days of the year.  The kids being extremely narrow-minded and ignorant, passed up their opportunity to enjoy her gingerbread house all year round for a single holiday of sugar-induced madness.  That holiday, of course, is what we now know as Easter.

Just kidding, although I do have a similar tale involving an evil bunny who lived in a shoe, if you’ve got a second.  It was a crazy place, I’ll tell ya – he had so many children, he didn’t know what to do!  Ok, maybe another time.  I should really get going anyways!  I’m sure you got the gest of it, and hopefully you’ll walk away with just a little more knowledge about this tradition than before.  Even if you really hate kids, just remember: it’s only one night, then you’relegally allowed to hate them for the rest of the year!  You really can’t afford to pass up an offer like that!

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to start putting up my Christmas lights…

About Scott Sevener (580 Posts since 2001)
The Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, Scott writes about the random things in life that amuse him - from the miracle of childbirth to the bologna sandwich he just ate for breakfast. He currently resides in Tampa, FL with a girl, a baby, and a dog that never shuts the hell up.