My Column: The Movie!
I can tell you right now that this, this text you’re reading, it sucks. Don’t worry, it’s not important. The movie is going to be great.
You can see it, can’t you? Jack Black will play me, writing the column. The movie will focus on his quest for a topic, the search for some soda when he gets thirsty, and his trials and tribulations mailing the column to the editor.
Of course, that won’t make a very good movie, so we’ll need a villain.
And we’ll need some conflict.
So, let’s change things around a bit. We’ll keep with the main theme, writing a column, but instead of mailing it, I have to hand deliver it to the editor — in China.
And my plane goes down on the way there, and I have to fight the villain, (we’ll call him Roy).
So I’m fighting Roy in the wilds of Africa, or something, and I meet a girl. No, not a girl, a tribe of girls, all of them bisexual, that way the sex scene is better.
Now that I think about it, delivering a column to a guy in China is pretty thin, even for a movie plot, so instead of a column, it’s an antidote to a virus — a computer virus!
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. I’m going to China to hand deliver the code, which I only have in my head, to the King of China (or whatever). Right, and Roy is the head of something, a criminal organization, a church, I don’t know, something evil.
Roy puts a bomb on my plane and it goes down in Africa and I meet the girls, and they make me some kind of Sky God.
And there’s a power jewel. The tribe has this ruby that grants the one who wears it in a crown, the same crown they gave me as their Sky God, mystical powers. So I can fly and shoot lasers and all sorts of stuff that will look great once we get the special effects into it.
So I use the ruby, no, the Ruby of Ragoor. Right, so I use the Ruby of Ragoor to fly to China, but Roy has a diamond that grants him equal, but evil powers.
A fight scene, in fast and then slow motion, with music by the Dust Brothers, ensues. Roy gets in a few shots, and brags about the virus, giving me the crucial piece of information I needed to complete the antidote (all in my head).
Roy sees his mistake, but it’s too late and I pull some “I am the chosen one, Neo” move and make it to the King of China’s castle just in time.
The King of China also has a daughter, between the age of sixteen and eighteen, who wants to show her gratitude to me for saving the world — personally.
After a night (or two) with the Princess of China, I return to the tribe and give them the gems, as they rightfully belong to them, and I’m the good guy. A moral for the kids or something.
It wraps up with a joke, something witty, but leaving room for a sequel.
And that’s how I see it, “My Column: The Movie!” staring Jack Black.
So it doesn’t matter that this column sucks, because the movie is going to rule.
