Humor Blog Highlights

From the Public, For the Public…Vacation Edition

Having just survived another Labor Day weekend without any major casualties, we’re finally seeing the summer vacation season come to a close. From a vacationer’s point of view, it’s time for us to get back into the swing of things and earn a little money for next year, and from that of the locals, we can finally make a simple trip to the grocery store without it being an all-day affair! I’ll admit that I’ve managed to play both roles this year, but for the purpose of this column, we’ll be concentrating on some out-of-town experiences from my yearbook.

The following are some points that, after venturing around the country over the summer, I’d like everyone else to just consider. Maybe I’m asking too much here, but who knows – possibly one or two of my fellow-travelers will agree with me here…

  • Could you please try to work with me just a little at the concession stands? Although I understand that vacations are generally expensive, $4.00 for a cup of pop is considered rape back where I come from, especially when you’re buying for several people.
  • We’ve all just enjoyed a fantastic event and now we’d all like to go home or back to our hotels, but let’s try to be civil during the process. Mass parking situations can turn simply getting out of the lot into an all-out brawl, but we can all make it a little easier by just working together. If you’re already in one of the outgoing lines, be a nice guy and let others in from the adjacent rows every so often, and if you’re in one of those rows, remember your roots when you finally make it in. None of us are rushing out to go perform open-heart surgery, so try and cooperate here…
  • No one in their right mind gets up at seven o’clock in the morning on their vacation, so please stop asking if you can clean my hotel room that early. I make no guarantee of civility toward those who choose to violate this rule, no matter what language you might actually speak.
  • If you live in a tourist-heavy area, don’t get upset by the constant barrage of camera-toting, misdirected families who simply came there to have a good time. Just be happy that you get to live there all year long and pray for the day when they go home.
  • I’ll promise to stop stealing the hotel towels if you’d only get some that are a tad bit less comparable to sand paper. After a long day in the sun, these things are the final nails in the coffin for many of us…
  • Contrary to the beliefs of every waiter and waitress I’ve encountered this summer, you’re not doing me a favor by bringing me my food and drinks –you’re doing your job. I have to work for a living, too, so lose the attitude or you can kiss your tip goodbye.
  • As with many vacation-goers, I like to take lots of pictures, however I don’t want to take lots of pictures with you in them. When it’s obvious that I’m working on a shot, please either wait for me to finish or at least quicken your pace when crossing my path. Nevertheless, if you enjoy irritating complete strangers, walk directly up to my subject and just stare at it until I throw down my camera and strangle you.
  • The lanes on the freeway are designated as follows: far left – passing lane, middle lanes – general traffic flow / speed limit, right lane – slow as hell troglodytes who shouldn’t even be on the road in the first place.
  • On the other hand, don’t get ticked off at me when you have to slow down to 90 mph because the cars around me happen to be following the above rules. There’s a limit to how much you can break the speed laws before you’re just considered an idiot.
  • I don’t know about how things work at your house, but in the unlikely event that somebody misses in the bathroom, we clean up after ourselves – this goes double when you’re out in public, such as at a theme park. I suppose it’s possibly that there was an earthquake or something while you were doing your thing, but do the rest of us a favor and wipe the rest off the seat (and the walls…) when you’re done…
  • When you’re contemplating the next destination of your group of 20+ people, try to get everyone at least somewhat away from the dead-center of the walkway, sidewalk, etc… Your decision of whether to get pizza or burgers tonight should have no influence on how long it takes me to get toSpace Mountain.
  • Brief Warning: if you ask me how to get somewhere while I’m on vacation in a new city, chances are I’ll simply make something up because I have no idea where it is, either! My sense of humor can be sick like that sometimes…
  • No matter how hungry the other members of my party are, we’re not eating at Denny’s.
  • Traffic jams on the freeway suck, but for God’s sake, stay in your own vehicles! Nothing irritates me more than having to wait even longer after the line finally starts moving again because the elderly man ahead of me is taking pictures of his wife posing outside the car with the stopped traffic in the background.
  • I don’t throw the ashes from my campfires in front of your car, so please figure out how to use the ash tray instead of throwing your cigarette butts out the window.
  • Please share the hot tub at the hotel! Our day was just as exhausting as yours and as much as we’d like a chance to unwind, it’s just not polite to jump into a hot tub with a bunch of strangers. The sky’s the limit if you’re the only ones around, but if there’s already a line, let’s keep in down to a half an hour each, eh?
  • Keep your vacation to yourself. If you want to get smashed at every restaurant and party all week, knock your socks off, but keep it within your own clique. Don’t bother me and I won’t bother you…or call the police.
  • Staying with the theme of minimal outside interaction – just because I’m sitting next to you on the plane doesn’t mean that I actually want to talk to you and get to know you. I’m sure you’re a great person and live a fascinating life, but I’ve got one last deadline to meet before I’m allowed to go to Disney World, so please shut up and leave me alone!
  • Parents, please do a little homework about the attractions before you visit them. Just because your older children loved the Jaws and King-Kongrides at Universal Studios doesn’t mean that your 2-year-old twins are going to have the same reaction…there’s something about mechanical sharks and giant, subway car-eating apes that just scares the shit out of infants…
  • Yes, I was checking out your girlfriend. She’s hot and barely dressed – what did you expect?
About Scott Sevener (580 Posts since 2001)
The Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, Scott writes about the random things in life that amuse him - from the miracle of childbirth to the bologna sandwich he just ate for breakfast. He currently resides in Tampa, FL with a girl, a baby, and a dog that never shuts the hell up.