The Coming of Spring

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Don’t mind me, but I tend to get a little anxious around this time and by anxious, I actually mean psychotically derailed! Understand that I live in Northern Michigan, which means that not only do we get to experience the mystical presence of snow during the Christmas-holiday season, we also have to put up with it for a good three or four months both before and after said holiday, so by now I’ve been staring at these piles of snow outside for a good seven months and I’m about ready to crack if I don’t see something green in the near future! I mean, I like Frosty the Snowman just as much as the next guy, but enough’s enough already…

I think I can safely speak for just about all of us up here in the Great White North when I say that spring fever has definitely begun to take its toll! This is actually the first year in a few that I haven’t gone anywhere for spring break and I must say that it’s kinda depressing…the only bikinis I’ve seen have either been onMTV or in the Victoria’s Secret catalog and that just ain’t good enough for your average, studly man like myself! Scattered around the most beautiful, tropical regions in the world right now are some of the wildest, craziest beach parties my generation will ever know, and yet I’m stuck up here in the frozen tundra known to me and countless others as home. I’m just about to the point where I’m considering buying one of those special tapes that you see late at night on cable, but my luck I’d end up seeing some girl that I went to high school with and just end up getting even more jealous yet!

So I guess the question of the hour is really this – where in the world is Carmen San Diego??? Wait, that’s not right…how about – what in tar nation can the rest of us do to help shake this spring fever, while all of our friends are off shakin’ their groove-thangs in much more desirable climates?! Well, I’ve been pondering this exact question for the past three weeks over a steady supply of pizza, beer, and The Simpsons, and even though I haven’t technically been able to come up with an answer, I’d be nonetheless more than happy to simply make something up on the spot to satisfy your curiosity…I think you deserve that at least! The answer, my friends, lies in the subtle art of doing nothing. Don’t worry – I actually have put a little thought into this one… (emphasis on little)

Ok, so the secret to not putting your head in the blender when you’re still experiencing temperatures in the single digits well into the months of March and April, and quite possibly even May, might not exactly be all about doing nothing until it gets warmer, but it should still play a strong role in your approach nonetheless. Consider this – if you’re anything like me, you’ve most likely made a routine out of spending the next several months immediately following Christmas by actually paying for everything that you couldn’t afford but bought anyways because it was on sale. Factor in a few hours split between watching television and looking at porno on the Internet and you’ve pretty much got a full schedule…at least for a few months until your brain begins to cave in from the monotony and absolute boredom that you’re subjecting it to. It should appear to be a steam-roller of an easy fix at this point, but for those of you who need it spelled out for you – mix it up a little bit, for heaven’s sake!

I think a lot of people mistakenly understand that the whole concept of spring fever stems from the fact that it’s no doubt warmer in every other part of the world than it is in your own little hole, so it would only make sense that you just need to get out more, right? Well, maybe, but that’s an entirely different column altogether! Of course, after taking into consideration that people that live inCalifornia and Florida and South Africa find themselves going through the same thing, too, the light becomes even more obvious that perhaps the solution isn’t about where you are, but what you are doing in the first place… What’s that, you say? You haven’t really been doing anything lately anyways? Now we’re getting somewhere…

It’s really quite simple, Watson – you simply need to stop doing whatever you’re doing now and go do something else…unless it happens to involve heavy machinery – then, by all means, make sure that the bulldozer or eighteen-wheeler has come to a complete stop before proceeding! If you really have been sitting around on your ass for the past several months, scrape your behind off the couch, clean up any nominal residue, and go seize the day – whether it be rolling around in the front yard, conquering some third-world country, or just getting a job (…we’re not going to support you forever!), you’ll honestly feel better at the end of the day and believe it or not, Sally Jesse Raphael will go on without you! On the other hand, though, if you’ve already been out actually doing stuff and all that jazz, then by all means take an afternoon off to gouge yourself in-front of the TV with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s – you deserve it, plus it’ll make that lunatic friend of yours who actually is rolling around in the front yard right now truly green with envy!

I could go on and on about ways for you to shake the blues without first applying for a third mortgage on the house, but that sounds like the mailman at the door with my own cure for spring fever – The Ultimate Girls Gone Wild Spring Break Collection, featuring Brazilian Bosoms, After-School Specials, The Girls of the Route 4 IHOP, plus all of the classics digitally-remastered on 7 DVDs! (as narrated by Snoop Doggy Dog and Paul Ruebens)

What can I say – I’m a simple man…