WANTED: Mindless, Replaceable Worker Drones
Seeking motivated, hardworking individuals who won’t ask too many questions and will do what they’re told correctly the first time or face uncertain disciplinary actions.
Applicants should be willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done, showing eat or be eaten attitude towards their assignments as they productively contribute to the greater good of the hive.
Our ideal candidate is proficient in:
- Reading lists
- Checking boxes
- Providing feedback concerning the deficiencies of his fellow co-workers
- Microsoft Excel
Compensation is below market value, with regular threats of demotion to maintain motivation around the workplace. Applicants are encouraged to prepare a time-consuming sample portfolio of worthless spreadsheets and reports to show their dedication to the mundane tasks they can look forward to upon employment.
Hivemind Unlimited is an equal-opportunity employer, meaning that we equally appreciate the opportunity to replace any of our drones with newer, more proficient workers at any time … preferably right before Christmas or another holiday of equal importance to said worker drone.