A Primer on Stop Signs

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I don’t normally get into my car hell-bent on murdering someone, but when I pull out onto these crazy streets sometimes y’all just leave me no choice…

Enter The Classic STOP Sign

Eight sides, red and white, with big, bold letters that make it pretty clear what the driver’s response is expected to be. Millions of these things exist on roads and in parking lots throughout the country and they all look exactly the same, yet far too often do I encounter other drivers who act as if that very moment when they’re driving by this mysterious sign is the first time that they’ve come across it in their entire lives!!!

And it’s not like the sign demands a lot from you.

It’s not saying that you have to stop FOREVER – just for a few seconds – commercials in front of cat videos on YouTube last longer than the interruption into your day caused by the average stop sign.

…but no…

You can’t be bothered to stop your 2,000-pound death machine for even a few seconds, even if to ensure the safety of your fellow drivers who were merely on their way to pickup a well-deserved Slurpee after a particularly stressful day.

Whatever you’re doing is more important than that.

More important than my Slurpee???

Fuck you.

For those of you assholes who think your yoga class or grandmother’s funeral is more important than my cherry-flavored refreshment on a hot, summer’s day, here’s a quick list that I’ve put together to help refresh your memory on what you’re supposed to do when this weird, red sign pops up into your view behind the wheel…

1. STOP
2. Even if you don’t see anybody coming – STOP
3. Even if it’s three o’clock in the morning – STOP
4. Even if the guy in front of you already stopped – STOP
5. Even if you’re in labor with a billy goat – STOP
6. JUST FUCKING STOP

It’s literally the first thing they teach you in Driver’s Ed. Class, possibly after “This is a car…” if you were in the slow group. I don’t care if you’re sixteen or sixty-five or Italian or functionally retarded – don’t cruise through stop signs like they were erected for us other drivers, but not you.

Your billy goat is not more important than my Slurpee.