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Things General Petraeus is Apologizing For…

Photo by Hector Alejandro / Flickr (Creative Commons 2.0)

Four-star general David Petraeus is expected to plead guilty today for disclosing classified information to his lover, which is kind of a no-no as far as the Department of Defense is concerned. The list is long, and should probably begin with Trusting a woman named Paula because that just never seems to work out well for high ranking government officials, but for the record, here’s a condensed list of some other things that Gen. Petraeus would like to tell the American people that he’s genuinely sorry for…

  • Having a name that is so hard to both spell and pronounce, and has no relation to that spell from Harry Potter
  • Making his safe word the location of top secret executive coffee bar
  • Long-standing romantic gesture of sending out bouquets of highly sensitive government documents
  • Repeatedly referring to his penis as Code Name: Viper
  • Not updating his Facebook relationship status to It’s Complicated sooner
  • Tragic medical condition that requires the sharing of classified information in order for him to become aroused sexually
  • Changing missile defense launch codes to match his luggage
  • Putting his [redacted] into Paula Broadwell’s [redacted] and then [redacted] and [redacted] until they both [redacted]
About Scott Sevener (572 Posts since 2001)
The Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, Scott writes about the random things in life that amuse him - from the miracle of childbirth to the bologna sandwich he just ate for breakfast. He currently resides in Tampa, FL with a girl, a baby, and a dog that never shuts the hell up.