Things General Petraeus is Apologizing For…
Photo by Hector Alejandro / Flickr (Creative Commons 2.0)
Four-star general David Petraeus is expected to plead guilty today for disclosing classified information to his lover, which is kind of a no-no as far as the Department of Defense is concerned. The list is long, and should probably begin with Trusting a woman named Paula because that just never seems to work out well for high ranking government officials, but for the record, here’s a condensed list of some other things that Gen. Petraeus would like to tell the American people that he’s genuinely sorry for…
- Having a name that is so hard to both spell and pronounce, and has no relation to that spell from Harry Potter
- Making his safe word the location of top secret executive coffee bar
- Long-standing romantic gesture of sending out bouquets of highly sensitive government documents
- Repeatedly referring to his penis as Code Name: Viper
- Not updating his Facebook relationship status to It’s Complicated sooner
- Tragic medical condition that requires the sharing of classified information in order for him to become aroused sexually
- Changing missile defense launch codes to match his luggage
- Putting his [redacted] into Paula Broadwell’s [redacted] and then [redacted] and [redacted] until they both [redacted]