Except for maybe one lone farmer in Oklahoma, nobody likes Daylight Saving Time.
It made you late for work today, or early – we can never remember which – and it’s just a general pain in the ass to figure out which clocks changed and which ones didn’t. Who has the time for any of that?!
Recently some states have proposed doing away with this Magical Biannual Clock Switcheroo™ altogether, which somehow seems equally confusing, so to help add to the Chaos of Innovation®, Just Laugh has assembled this list of some more terrible alternatives to avoid taking five minutes to update our clocks around here twice a year…
- People in states starting with A through K turn their clocks ahead 1 hour; L through Z turn their clocks back the sum of 43 plus the number of days until their birthday, divided by the approval rating of their favorite president.
- Democrats should turn their clocks ahead 1 hour, while Republicans turn their clocks back 65 years to those golden years when their racism and general bigoted ways were still hip and trendy.
- All clocks will be confiscated by the Department of Homeland Chronology and replaced with new government-approved time keeping devices that will be universally calibrated and require fresh batteries every six weeks.
- Gun owners may consider shooting their firearms directly at the sun. Like the rest of America’s problems, it won’t do any good, but it should keep them occupied while the responsible adults work towards an actual solution.
- On Monday turn your clock ahead 21 minutes. On Tuesday turn your clock back 45 minutes. On Wednesday turn your clock around to face the wall. On Thursday submerge your clock in the toilet for at least 5 minutes. On Friday take your clock out for a nice date night – it’s earned it!
- Stop posting pictures of your clocks on social media. Nobody cares what your 12:37pm looked like.
- Check your clocks to ensure they have a clear view of the sky. Objects blocking the clock’s view of the sky such as tree branches, or things on the clock like snow buildup can interfere with the time signal.
- Give up your beliefs in time altogether. Buy a boat. Move near the ocean. Capsize your boat in a drunk fishing accident. Never worry about Daylight Saving Time again…