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Just Laugh’s Guide to Making Excuses for Talking About Gun Control

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Everyone knows that despite being weapons specifically designed for efficient killing by exerting lethal force on a piercing chunk of lead at speeds of up to 1,000 meters per second, guns don’t kill people … people with guns kill people!

While some liberal fascists within our society will be quick to blame access to this advanced weaponry whenever they’re used to kill people in staggering numbers around our nation on a way too regular basis, it’s of the utmost importance for the freedom of our masculinity that we deter any discussion around making efforts to restrict access to these beautiful killing machines, with their precision targeting and ability to stave off tyranny, when the man threatens to tear them away from our warm, fleshy hands.

Here are some tips to help turn the discussion about gun control back where it really belongs…

  • Cite the 2nd Amendment early and often. Well, not the part about the whole “well-regulated militia” … try to skip over that if at all possible.
  • Adamantly suggest that mental health is clearly the real culprit here, as a guy taking anti-depressants obviously poses more of a threat to society than someone hoarding a cache of weapons large enough to arm a entire militia just in case.
  • Seize any opportunity to correct people about semantics, such as the fact that the “AR” in AR-15 actually stands for Armalite – the maker of the rifle and not assault rifle. There’s no better way to honor the dead than by maintaining a smugly superior knowledge about the weapon that was used to kill them.
  • Reminders that only good guys follow the law anyways are a great way to drive home the fact that it’d be really awesome to live in the Wild Wild West where you could shoot a man in the street if he accidentally took a sip out of your sarsaparilla.
  • Don’t let liberals bully you into thinking that arming kindergarten teachers isn’t a perfectly viable opportunity for gun manufacturers in the United States to surge their back to school sales revenues.
  • Violence in video games is always an easy option to deflect attention away from gun control. Remember that power pellet epidemic we saw back in the 1980s when Pac-Man was first released in arcades across the country???
  • Don’t think of mass shooting survivors as innocent children who’ve just endured a horrific tragedy as much as future Democratic voters who’ll no doubt be after your guns, too … especially because it’s basically your fault that legislation hasn’t already been passed that could’ve very well saved their classmates’ lives.
  • And if all else fails, simply remind your debate partner that Sarah Palin herself says that our guns are the only thing that protect us from tyranny – which is a perfectly normal thing for someone who has served as the heads of both local and state government, and then ran for a position second in command of the federal government to say.
About Scott Sevener (573 Posts since 2001)
The Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, Scott writes about the random things in life that amuse him - from the miracle of childbirth to the bologna sandwich he just ate for breakfast. He currently resides in Tampa, FL with a girl, a baby, and a dog that never shuts the hell up.