NEW YORK CITY (Just Laugh) – Continuing his campaign strategy of being the most offensive presidential candidate the United States of America has seen since Horatio Seymour, Donald Trump shared his new plan to extend the proverbial middle finger to all of the 7,386,542,573 people currently living on the planet Earth by threatening to nuke the entire planet from orbit should he be elected President of the United States in the upcoming 2016 election.
“Every single last one of the humans on this planet are losers and I only surround myself with winners,” the Donald decreed boldly in a presentation to New York’s finest where he spoke of the panel of experts he would hire to personally build him the best nuclear arsenal that the 145th wealthiest man in the world could buy.
“No one will survive this blast,” Trump boasted to a star-studded crowd that included Usher, former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani, and All My Children veteran Susan Lucci. “The global devastation is going to be nothing short of spectacular, and the only reason that my opponents haven’t suggested a plan like mine is because they don’t have the guts to blow up all of humanity … to really do what it takes to Make America Great Again.”
When asked how he planned to avoid the extinction-level event himself, Donald Trump tore off the head of the reporter asking the question with his crushing mandibles before replying bullishly, “Don’t ask stupid questions. No one will be spared from this fiery death – not even Donald Trump.”