WASHINGTON (Just Laugh) – After a heated campaign season that left American voters more polarized than any other election in the nation’s history, an exhausted and admittedly bewildered nation looked on in shock as their votes were counted and it slowly became clear that collectively they had in fact elected a bologna sandwich on white bread to serve as their next President of the United States.
“I know that the bologna sandwich is a sandwich,” cited bologna supporter Rick Fareway when polled about his vote, “but the other candidate is just a lying liar who should be in jail for the lies that she’s committed against her country.”
“What happens if somebody eats the sandwich?” challenged bologna critic Angela Paterra in a passionate plea for supporters to vote for a real, actual person and not a mediocre lunch option. “Then we don’t have a president anymore because somebody ate it?! Come on – use your heads, people…”
Happily reporting her candidate’s hard-earned victory amongst considerable criticism from both sandwich enthusiasts and traditional voters alike, bologna sandwich campaign manager Kellyanne Condiment reported, “We knew all along that this election was going to be bologna – it just took time for voters to warm up to the taste of it. But now that they’ve all voted and there’s definitely no backsies, a bologna president is what the American people can look forward to for the next four years because a bologna president is what we all truly deserve.”