SAN FRANCISCO (Just Laugh) – After recent reports circulated around the media from former employees citing continuing themes of a sexist and discriminatory work environment towards women, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick skeptically announced his company’s intentions to look into veering away from its substantial track record of hiring misogynistic senior executives that have propelled the ride sharing service into the multi-billion dollar industry disruptor that it’s become in the last several years…
“Look, I don’t know what all of this non-misogynistic, treating women like equal contributors bull hockey is coming from other businesses,” told a proud Kalanick as he sat wearing dirty sweatpants and flipped through a newly printed UberBlack Babes Bare All 2017 calendar with a creepily approving smile, “but here at Uber we want our female engineers – both of them – to feel comfortable when they come to work and spend 14 hours a day building whatever it is that we make around here.”
“It’s something like taxis, but sexier, right?” the man posed with a wink before mixing equal parts Red Bull and Jack Daniel’s into his coffee mug, crushing the empty can into his forehead in sync with the glass bottle shattering against the wall.
“What people don’t understand about Uber,” the CEO continued, “is that aside from our hip name and the bitchin’ halfpipe that we recently built on our campus, nobody is more dedicated to the ladies than Uber is. We want every chick who comes to our campus – the hot ones and the frumpy ones alike – to be chill with us.”
“And if they want to work with us because we’re so awesome, it never hurts to have a few extra skirts around the office too, am I right?!”