I have a real problem. I love women too much. I mean, when it comes to women, I just can’t say no. That’s how I wound up with six wives.
Of course, they don’t know about each other. It’s been fairly easy maintaining this charade. I tell them I travel a lot in my job as safety manager for a plush toy company and, since none of them are too bright, this has worked out all right.
With Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa around the corner, it might be a little trickier than usual to finesse the situation. Naturally, each of my wives is begging me to be “home” for the particular holiday she celebrates. I’m looking at a whole lot of airplane travel throughout December. My frequent flyer account will be bulging!
My question is, with increased airport security, can I still hope to smuggle enough tiny liquor bottles onboard to keep me fortified? What would be the best way to do this?
Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi, and Kentucky
I can understand why you’d need fortification. Those long airport waits can be exhausting, especially now that so many airports have closed their VIP lounges.
Fortunately, I have picked up some strategies for dealing with such a problem, due to my occasional stays at the spa – which doesn’t allow any alcohol. I’m happy to share these tips with you.
One solution to your problem would be to forego taking the actual bottles, which can be bulky and look suspicious inside your X-rayed carry-on. Instead, mix your own cocktails in plastic zipper bags and tape them to your body. (If you were a woman, you could augment your cleavage with these natural-looking “prosthetics.”) Once onboard, you can remove the bag from your person, slice a small piece off the corner of it and squirt the cocktail into your mouth, like using a bota bag. If the flight attendants catch you, tell them it’s “medication.” Be sure you say “medication” and not “medical device.” The latter could cause suspicion and disgust to fall upon you.
This method also works well for sedating the unruly small children sharing a seat next to you. Nothing is more disconcerting than getting to your tenth fingernail with fresh polish in that expensive new Tangelo shade from Neiman-Marcus and then having your elbow bumped so that the polish goes all over your finger, hand, and seatback tray. The solution is simple. squeeze a stream of Absolut from your homemade wineskin into the little hellions’ nationally marketed cola beverage. The wide mouth of those plastic airline cups makes an easy target to hit. By applying enough pressure, you can send a stream several feet through the air, arching it over the heads of other passengers, to reach the glasses of obnoxious children several rows away. You’ll bask in the glowing looks of approval from other passengers after the little scamps pass out.
Men have fewer options for transporting their own alcohol than women do. For instance, women can obtain those fake plastic lipsticks used for display at better cosmetics counters, seal them for water-tightness, and then fill them with booze. Once on the plane, pull out your “lipstick,” surreptitiously poke a hole in the tip of it with your nail file, and empty the contents into your mouth. It only holds about a single shot, but if you choose well – filling it with, say, a good tequila or stiff rotgut whiskey – the blast will serve you nicely. This technique works especially well for short, nerve-wracking flights on turbulence-prone small jets.
Through trial and error, I’ve found certain techniques sound great in theory but don’t really work at all. For instance, filling large, 00-sized gelatin capsules with brandy and passing them off as “cold pills” isn’t very effective. It’s difficult and labor-intensive to get the liquid in those darn things, and you tend to arouse suspicion by dosing yourself every ten minutes. So, I can’t recommend this.
Good luck, dear, and happy holidays!