He’s a miniature elf who runs around your house playing pranks all December under the guise of spying on your kids.
Every night while they’re sleeping, he flies back to the North Pole to tell Santa what he saw that day.
And he doesn’t like to be touched.
NOTHING AT ALL CREEPY ABOUT THIS FELLA – JUST LOOK AT THAT INNOCENT, NON-MURDERING FACE OF HIS!!!
Granted, I suppose when we base a holiday around a fat guy sneaking into your house in the middle of the night, eating your cookies and then leaving behind presents, some might argue that we’ve already left the chimney flue open for all sorts of other disturbing characters to wander into our homes and do things that would warrant a call to the police if not committed by someone wearing a red suit with bells jingling all about.
But no self-respecting adult can look at this elf – that looks like he was a reject from Mister Rogers’ Land of Make-Believe – and not admit that he’s a creepy, little sonofabitch to put it so kindly. Between your kids and your Instagram followers, maybe you’ve gotten convinced that his wacky hijinks like nude bathing in the sugar bowl and bobbing for marshmallows out of the toilet are harmless good fun as we ramp up in preparation for a visit from the biggest – no pun intended – reverse-thief of them all, but deep down when you’re arranging that creepy fucker ever so delicately among your sharpest steak knives or figuring out how to get him into the water cooler “so that he can go swimming,” you know exactly how creepy this Elf on a Shelf really is…
I don’t know – maybe it’s just me being naive, but I don’t let murderers into my house and anyone who’s got rosy red cheeks permanently painted onto their face is most definitely a murderer.
Come on, people – that’s like Identifying Murderers 101.
You may think that you’re being cute with all of your Pinterest-inspired scenarios that little Kringle gets himself into, and your kids look so excited when they spring out of bed each morning, anxious to hunt around the house in search of what kind of mischief the little creepazoid has gotten himself into next. But let’s be honest with ourselves here – your kids would be excited if a stranger pulled up near the playground in an unmarked van filled with candy, but that doesn’t mean you bookmark the Hertz website to keep an eye on when the most affordable days to rent a van are.
Because I worry about the kids, honestly I do. When these jolly bastards go on their inevitable killing spree and murder the same parents who thought that they’d be a cute little Christmas game for Peyton and Cameron, I’ll be ok with that because they should’ve recognized the look of a killer in that elf’s eyes and left him on the shelf to ultimately gather dust in Hallmark’s warehouses where he belongs. Plus, that’ll mean shorter lines for me when I go out to do my holiday shopping!
But children don’t deserve to lose their lives at such a young age to a foot-tall puppet demon from the North Pole with a creepily innocent smile and a bloodlust for holiday mayhem that won’t be quenched until the carpets are stained with the colors of a thousand candy canes. Kids should be able to look forward to this magical time of year without worry that Lady Elaine Fairchilde’s outcast nephew is lurking in the toy box, watching their every move like some kind of posable, fun-loving pervert, just waiting for the perfect time to strike.
If you want your kids to behave out of fear of not getting any Christmas presents, install security cameras in their rooms like any reasonable parent and tell them that Santa will be watching them over the Internet while he works.
But don’t openly welcome this creepy murderer into your house – Santa will be here soon enough.